Winlar's blog

Newt Newt Newt!

2012-02-11T18:12:00.000-08:00

Here’sa little song about a phenomenon called “Gingrich Envy.” My apologies to the Sherman Brothers.

I need a new video camera, so sorry about the poor quality. You'll want to read along to the lyrics below.

He’s the king of the swingers boys,

In this year’s G.O.P.

He reached the top, but had to stop

For rampant hypocrisy

Wantsa be the white man’s white man

The Republish nominee

wants His face in its rightful place

In revisionist history..,

Oh, Newt Newt Newt

I wanna be like Newt Newt Newt

I wanna run like Newt, have fun like Newt

The big galoot

A lotta high falutes

Think he’s so -astute

He’s arrogant and crude to boot

So don’t mess with him white man

He’ll make a deal with you

He’s gonna need ya’ to blame the media

For all his graft and woo

Give him the nomination

This greedy legislator

Give him the seat, or he’ll treat

Ya’ like a CNN Moderator!

Oh, Newt Newt Newt

I wanna be like Newt Newt Newt

I wanna get irate during debates

And ballyhoo

An empty suit

With an ugly snoot.

He’s proof that whoyou choose is moot

Bridge:

Moon base fat face, Palestine’s ficticious race, Saul Alinskyradicals

A tryst with Callista, a lesbian sista’, and Long Greekcruise Sabbaticals

Go-Pac , talksmack, back track, Dream act, campaign staff disparagin’

He’s polling behind, he’s got a closed mind but he’s gota very open marriage

Oh, Newt Newt Newt

I wanna be like Newt Newt Newt

Oh I want kick backs from Freddy mac.

Wanna be hirsute

he’s a hypocrite, but his name ain’t Mitt

He’s a total Dick, but try googlin’ Rick

That don’t compute

Soooo, Newt Newt Newt

I wanna be like Newt Newt Newt

He's the non-Romney nominee

There’s no dispute

That this rude blue coot, of ill repute is now en route

To Pennsylvania ave- Newt Newt Newt

I wanna walk like Newt, talk like Newt,

Newt Newt Newt

I wanna walk like Newt, talk like Newt

Newt Newt Newt

But mainly I just want to have,

Affairs with interns

I wanna walk like Newt Talk like newt

Newt newt nudity newt di newt newt

The Mango Mentality as applied to the Occupy Wall Street Movement. A theory.

2011-10-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

Here's a theory as to why we humans have trouble understanding economics: For most of our time on this planet as a species, the economic system looked nothing like today's. We evolved in a hunter-gatherer economy. This hunter-gatherer economy was radically different than today's yet our attitudes towards work, wealth, and fairness are still based on that model.

An example: Say you're in a hunter-gather society and you're foraging about for, let's say mangoes. (I have no idea if mangoes even existed then, but you know what I mean. It's a thought experiment and the word "mango" is fun to say. Just roll with it.) Now say that you don't have a mango. You're hungry, but no worries. Mangoes are plentiful. They're everywhere in this thought experiment. If you don't have a mango, it's pretty much your own fault. Go get a mango. You may need to forage a little farther, climb a higher tree, whatever, but it's always perfectly possible for you to get your own darned mango, and thus, it's also perfectly reasonable for others in your tribe to tell you to "get a mango you dirty hippie and stop your whining." There are infinite mangoes to go around, and just shut up and go get a mango.But that was three economies ago. That hunter-gatherer model is long gone. However, we've changed economic systems three times in roughly 20,000 years, a mere hiccup in evolutionary terms, which is why our mentality hasn't changed much. But we need to change the mango mentality. It's long overdue. Because...

Because now we have MONEY. Money is not mangoes. Mangoes were everywhere, but money is not. The important thing to know about money is this: Money is FINITE. There is only so much of it by design. If money were infinite, it would be worthless. Silly pieces of paper cluttering the house. But we purposely make it rare and the rarer it is the more people want it. For money to have value, it has to be scarce.

So new thought experiment. Imagine a world with only say, 100 mangoes. Enough to go around, but not an endless supply. Now it isn't just a matter of working hard and finding a mango. Now if you are mangoless, you can't just increase the mango population with effort and toil, now your only choice is to figure out a way to get one of the previously existing mangoes. You need to cajole, entertain, make a deal, steal or physically remove one from someone who already has a mango. Now it becomes a game of mango musical chairs, and when the music stops and you don't have a mango times get desperate indeed. Oh, and one guy has like 60 mangoes and he ain't sharing.

Now is it OK to accuse the mangoless of laziness? If one person is sitting on 60 mangoes, won't share them, won't spend them, won't even LEND them so that you can start a small business (See what I did there?) is it not then appropriate and logical to suggest that the system needs change? If the finite mangoes aren't circulating hard work and true grit aren't going to change that. The only thing that will change anything is a revolution (to be avoided at all costs) a war (to steal someone else's hard earned mangoes) or some other kind of a shake up to get the mangoes moving around again. I have to say I prefer the non-violent shake up of the system. Not talking about giving out free mangoes. Talking about creating ways to earn the mangoes. We can't create more mangoes. It's not allowed. So we have to invent ways to make sure there are existing mangoes available to reward a hard day's work.

Yet, so many of us are mired in moldy mango mentality. We still base our concepts of fairness and worth on a model of infinite resources even though we now live in a society of purposely finite ones. It's a mentality we've held for a million years that hasn't kept pace with the developments of Agriculture, Industry, and the Information age. This attitude is an impediment to change and it has to change. Our attitudes need to catch up to the last 20,000 years. So let's evolve already. Ditch the mango mentality for a better vision, and stop the name-calling of those who are pointing out the problem.

Thanks,
-winlar

PS: Here's a cool link.
http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/02/income-inequality-in-america-chart-graph

The Way of the Draining Lizard

2010-12-16T16:41:00.000-08:00

Blast from the past time! Out of the blue, I've been sent an mp3 file of The Way of the Draining Lizard sketch that I wrote for NPR's Rewind. I put it up on my reverbnation site, and now clicking on the title of this post should take you there. (You have to hit the play button I think.)
Enjoy!
PS. Thanks Frank!

Professional Info for Winlar, writer for hire

2010-04-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

Reviews:

“Hilarious. Amazing! Grade A.”

-Seattle Post-Intelligencer

“Pee-in-your-pants fun”

-Seattle Weekly

“Unusually strong comedy—Witty, wise & weird.”

-Seattle Times

“Kazoo! is sketch comedy Nirvana.”

-Seattle Weekly

WINNER: Best of Seattle Fringe Festival

SELECTED: Vancouver Int’l Comedy Fest, Foolproof Comedy Fest, Bumbershoot

Solo Shows (Written and performed)

Winlar! Not Safe For Work (Sept 24th 2010)

Break-up Songs for Valentine’s Day (Feb. 2010)

Winlar’08: Making Things Worse (Sept. 2008)

Love, Politics, and Love (March 2008)

Nothing Controversial: Just Religion, Politics and How to Raise Your Children (June 2007)

Winlar Live! (Nov. 2006)

Sketch Comedy Extravaganzas (Writer, Producer and Performer)

Kazoo! Mostly Erect (May 2006)

The Gospel According to Kazoo! (Sept. 2005)

Kazoo! in Concert! (July 2005)

Kazoo! For Love and Money (March 2004)

The Kazoo! Bible (Sept 2003)

Kazoo! 7 (Sept 2001)

Kazoo! 6 (March 2001)

Kazoo! 5 (March 2000)

Kazoo! 4 (March 1999)

Kazoo! 3-D (Summer 1998)

Kazoo! 2: The New Kazoo! Review (March 1998)

Kazoo! (March 1997)

Radio and Television Experience

NPR’s “Rewind with Bill Radke” Freelance Writer 1999-2002

KIRO TV’s “John Report with Bob” Writer, Performer 2000-2001

KING 5 TV’s “Almost Live” Staff Writer/Performer 1999

KBCS 91.3FM Radio Show Host 1999-2000

Contact info:

Brian “Winlar” Wennerlind

winlar@winlar.net

13020 6^th Pl SW

Burien WA 98146

206.241-1007

206.972.3396 cell

A Ove Song

2010-02-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

D Dsus2 A
I went to pen a song for you but I accidentay
D Dsus2 A
Knocked my cup of coffee over and spied iquid on the keys
G D G A
My aptop was totay fried but eventuy it mosty got better
G D A
And now it functions reasonabby fine with the exception of one important etter
D Dsus2
As for how my songwriting went
G
Obviousy not to we
D Dsus2 A
I tried to write you a ove song but my typewriter doesn’t have a
D Dsus2

2
It’s a most pequeiar probem I gotta talk with my computer wiz
I can’t even type the etter that I can’t type to te you what the etter even is
You can see it's causin' me endess troube and strife
I can't say how you’re my uscious itte ady who’s the ever ovin’ ight of my ife
There are otsa otsa otsa ines that I’m not sure that I ever get to te
I wanna write you a ove song but my typewriter doesn’t have a…

Sing
Tra a a a a a a a ah.
Tha a a a a a a a ah

C’mon. Sing a ong. A of you!
Now just the gentemen! Now just the adies!
Now a together!

Facebook Whore

2010-02-17T14:05:00.000-08:00

D G

You asked me for your friendship

D A

And since I think I’ve earned it

D G

I went as far as logging in

D A

And clicking to confirm it

Gmin Dmin

But then I saw your list of so-called friends on your profile

Gmin Dmin

The list you have of cyberpals

Went on for miles and miles

D G

I suspected you a phony

D A

But now I am quite sure

G D

I thought you were my special friend

A D

(Pause) But you’re just another facebook whore!

G D A

Facebook whore

G D

I thought that you were special but turns out

You’re just another facebook whore

You’ve got ten thousand facebook friends

But it’s all just a show

I’m certain more than half of them

You barely even know

I can’t believe you take online

Relationships so gratis

Do you ever do anything else but update your fucking status?

I have to say I find your online etiquette quite poor

No I won’t sign your online petition

‘cause you’re just another facebook whore

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

Gmin Dmin

I don’t want you to poke me

Don’t write on my wall

Don’t send me little gifts

You do know those aren’t gifts at all

Don’t tag me in your pictures

Don’t ask to be a fan

Don’t ask me to take an online quiz

To see what Twilight character I am

D G

View quiz, I don’t think so, no

D A

Just watch me click ignore

G D A

You’re a livingsocial disease and you’re just another facebook whore

So now I am unfriending you

I’m gonna hide your face

No more do I want to see you

slutting up my space

I’ve had it with your links and likes

and all your facebook litter

From now I’ll only follow you

on youtube, I.M., linkedin and twitter

And no I do not want to join you

To play mafia wars

So take your invitation back because You’re just another facebook whore

Winlar: break-up Songs for Valentine's Day

2010-02-03T16:48:00.000-08:00

Hey folks! Sorry for the late notice on this, but there's a big show this weekend! The ultimate fun date! Here's the skinny:

Winlar: Break-up Songs for Valentines Day Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Winlar, Former writer for Almost Live, NPR’s Rewind, The John Report w/ Bob and leader of the award winning sketch comedy group Kazoo! breaks down relationships from pick-up to parenthood and gives his irreverent take on love, marriage, children and other dating hazards with hilarious songs, jocular diatribes and stupid human tricks in a must see show for singles and married folks alike.(sorry, must be 21 or older to attend.)

It's at the Jewel Box theater at the Rendezvous in Belltown

Hope to see you all there!
-winlar

Conversation about God and gay rights

2009-10-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Hey Kids,
I responded to a comment line on facebook, which led to a lengthy discussion that actually got quite interesting! It's about the gay marriage initiative about to be voted on in Washington, which isn't really about gay marriage, but it is, so well, ya' know.
Anyway, too much work went into this on both sides, and I think that with both sides being somewhat reasoned and remarkably civil, (Yeah, I know!) I'd post it here for all to see.

As usual, the other voice (Name withheld so I don't get sued) is in black and my responses can be read in my usual purple prose.

The original post which set off the discussion (and of course became quickly moot) can be viewed here: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=199800974417&comments=

Internet Guy:
You correctly state that marriage is a religious institution however, it cannot be an institution AND a civil right. Civil rights are inalienable and given by God (and marriage is not one of them). Unfortunately, This IS a political issue because the debate is over changing the definition of marriage because we gave the government the power to ... Read Moremanage marriage through licences. The government should not be involved in defining marriage. There is little stopping gays from having relationships or "marrying" (they deceive themselves that God recognizes it). I understand the need for government recognized contracts between persons who are not married, and I have no problem with allowing them, but don't call it a marriage.

Winlar:
According to Dictionary.com: CIVIL: 1. of, pertaining to, or consisting of citizens. 2. of the commonwealth or state...
(It goes on to give 10 definitions and in none of which is God mentioned. So to say that civil rights are given by God is by definition wrong.) What rights we as citizens have are to be determined by us on this mortal coil ... Read Moreand that's the way it always has been. So is the way we define words like "marriage" or "God." If God wishes to chime in on this issue, he will have to register to vote and provide proof of citizenship like everyone else. Until then, let's keep this civil issue planted on terra firma thank you.

Internet Guy:
Brian, Thank you for correcting my mistake. You are correct that civil rights are not from God, the appropriate word would be 'natural' which was my intent, but I erred. It doesn't change my point that marriage is not a right. Additionally, God HAS chimed in on this issue, and given a very straightforward definition of marriage. Marriage is ... Read Morelarger than the state. If it is redefined by the state, it is no longer marriage, it is a corruption. We already fail to apply marriage appropriately, lets not make it worse by pretending to validate corruption with a vote and a false name.

It is curious that you also believe God can be defined by man which implies you don't believe in anything absolute. What do you believe in?

PS - I should have done this earlier, but I actually read the text of referendum 71, it actually states that same-sex relationships are NOT marriages. It gives them the same rights (should be privileges not rights) as married couples. I incorrectly implied from Jennie's "marriage equality" plea that the referendum was on same-sex marriage. I have no objection to the referendum.

Winlar:
If we define rights as "natural" then free speech isn't a right, nor gun ownership, nor voting, as ALL of these rights exist in our society as legislative declarations voted into or out of our constitution. As a free society we are capable and obliged to determine what is and what isn't considered a right for ourselves. A right is not magical gift... Read More, it is a decision made by the populace. Nothing mystical about them, except that they are blessings of history passed down from our founders to us. I hope to create and pass down the right to marry anyone they love to my children and grandchildren as blessings in that same tradition.

As to whether or not God has chimed in on this issue I have to ask, "Whose God?" I am of the belief that God is VERY powerful, and being very powerful he would write any opinions he wishes me to share firmly into my DNA. Since he has not done that on this issue, I maintain that he remains mute. (The bible being a collection of books clearly written by the hands of men attempting to define God--yes I have read it-- I give it no more credence on this issue than on its prohibition of "rounding the corners of ones beard," or "wearing clothes of two different cloths." To use such antiquated guidelines over our democratically reasoned constitution would be "absolute-ly" foolish.)

Internet Guy:
Brian, the point is that marriage is NOT a right it is a privilege. A right is an entitlement for all, a privilege grants a special consideration to a certain group.

I'm glad you believe that God is powerful, that confession gives you hope in contrast to your original claim that we (man) define God is if he does not exist. God is not mute, he has written this on your soul because our DNA is cursed. If you believe that God is powerful enough to create life than you understand that life (and liberty...) is a natural (self evident/inalienable) right given by God. Our government was setup to protect those rights not grant them.

As for your view of the Bible, the laws in Leviticus and Deuteronomy are for the Hebrew nation to remain separate from the idolatry of their neighbors and do not pertain to us Gentiles. We have a better law, the law of Love (Galatians 5:14). I believe a sincere investigation of what the Bible really says and why will clarify what God has already revealed to you.

Winlar:
Um, if you're going to throw away Leviticus, you're throwing away the ten commandments. Does "thou shalt not kill" not pertain to Gentiles?
As far as Love thy neighbor as thyself goes, I married the person I love. I will allow my neighbor to marry the person they love, even if my neighbor chooses to marry a same sex partner. Love is not a "special interest right," love is a HUMAN right. Why? Because I do not wish to live in a world where that is not so.
Marriage is a right most of us have that should not only pertain to a "certain group." This same argument was used to keep women from voting. I don't own fire arms, yet that right is protected. I am not a criminal, yet criminal's rights are protected. Being able to enjoy the same legal status as the majority of people and yes, even calling it the same thing (marriage) is not a "special consideration." It is equality under the law.
Government grants rights. The reason the Bill of Rights was so unique and wonderful is because of the long history preceding it where it hadn't occurred to anyone that people could even have these "inalienable" or "natural" rights. (Curious that the Bible never mentions that "excessive bail should not be required.") When our government granted slaves the right to vote it was wrong to do so? Is it divined by nature that "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people." The constitution, including all rights granted therein is simply law, and people make the law. We get to determine what is and what isn't a fundamental right with our votes and voices alone and that is the very most beautiful thing about the United States of America.

And as for sincerely investigating the Bible, I can think of no more sincere investigation of what the Bible says than reading the whole thing, as I have, as well as reading several books on the bible's origins, history and literary critiques. I'm a big bible nerd actually.
Almost named my child "Abednego" in fact. But if you really want to be spiritual you must look past God's supposed "word" and more to God's CREATION. A moderate study of science has taught me more about God than any Sunday sermon ever will. Einstein's definition of God as "the sum total of matter and energy in the universe," helps one function better in society than defining God as the Bible's human writer's did, as some petty tyrant who can't stand to hear his own name in an improper context.
Mark Twain once said, "Never let your schooling get in the way of your education." I would add, "Never let your churching get in the way of your spirituality." Yes, I believe in a powerful God. (The sum total of matter and energy in the universe is at last check, pretty powerful!)

A powerful God does not create "cursed DNA." A powerful God does not rely on an ancient book clearly written by fallible men to "define" him. A powerful God can at the very least "define" himself don't you think? A powerful God does not put a spiritual leader with a political agenda between you and him. Certainly not some spiritual leader who makes up things out of whole cloth like "cursed DNA."

Beware those who claim to tell you how God "thinks" or that they know what is "preordained" or "written." Beware those who would separate our society into "Those who can marry and the other ones." Beware those who claim that you are "cursed" and that "they know the way to fix you." They wish power over you, and if you believe what they say, they have it.

Health care in history

2009-07-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

Well, President Obama has called upon bloggers to help the health care cause
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/20/obama-calls-on-bloggers-t_n_241570.html
So since it’s a presidential imperative, time to get back to the blog after what? Half a year? Here we go!

Some high comedy from history: It’s very fun to laugh at those in the past, mainly because they’re dead and can’t punch you for laughing at them.

Roman Emperor Marcus Licinius Crassus is credited with inventing the fire brigade. He was also one of the wealthiest men ever in the history of the world. How did he achieve such wealth and status? From Wikipedia:

Most notorious was his acquisition of burning houses: when Crassus received word that a house was on fire, he would arrive and purchase the doomed property along with surrounding buildings for a modest sum, and then employ his army of 500 clients to put the fire out before much damage had been done. Crassus' clients employed the Roman method of firefighting -- destroying the burning building to curtail the spread of the flames.

Yes, Crassus would pay pennies on the dollar for burning buildings, knowing that he held the only resource they had to put the fire out. (Clients means slaves btw.) And pennies being better than nothing, other Romans were forced to make the deal. Ridiculous huh?

It’s very funny to laugh at Crassus now that he’s gone and can’t march legions to your door, as well as at the hapless Romans who couldn’t see that fire is a PUBLIC problem, and that a private solution to a public problem can only lead to something crass. (Get it? Crass? Crassus? I told you this was funny!) Sometimes you need state-run entities like FDNY just to keep profit speculation out of things like fire prevention.

Anyway, have a good laugh at Crassus, as for thousands of years after we’re long dead, future generations will be laughing at us. And here’s the punch line they’ll use:

In the 20th and early 21st centuries, Hospitals actually ADVERTISED! On television! They literally would advertise to people to come and be sick at THEIR hospital instead of a competitor’s. “Hey, don’t die of cancer over there! No! You’re doing it wrong! Give us all your money and die of cancer over here!” It’s like the line “your money or your life,” but for real, and somehow government sanctioned.

Invented the fire brigade, ran an HMO... Hmm... eerily similar. Future generations will not be lacking for fodder when looking back to cackle at our backward ways.

Well I for one don’t want those jerks of the future joking at me, so President Obama, please, get us some single payer, or anything that’ll be better than this mess we’re in now.

Yours,
-Winlar

Thenwhat analysis

2009-01-15T13:08:00.000-08:00

All right.

Sorry I’ve not blogged in forever. In my defense, I offer 3 excuses.

I have adorable children whose faces I can’t see whilst gazing into a computer screen
There were holidays and I was drunk a great portion of the time.
There’s only one person who ever reads this anyway. Which reminds me, honey could you stop at the store on your way home and pick up a loaf of bread?

(Actually that’s just a joke. My wife doesn’t read my blog. Nobody reads this. So you can see why it’s hard to motivate.)

Anyway I’ve been getting ready for the big inaugural bash (Jan 20^th, 7pm, Jewel Box) and like many others combining New Years’ resolutions and Christmas wishes with dreams for the new administration, I’ve been trying to nail down my one biggest hope for the next four years. And here’s what I’ve come up with.

My hope for the Obama administration is that they learn from the previous administration and do what I like to call the “Thenwhat analysis.” on the issues they must address. It’s very simple to do, but for some reason has been utterly rejected by the current administration.

Here’s how you do thenwhat analysis. Before you do something, you ask yourself, “If we do this… Then what?” Sounds simple right? I bet you do a little of that every day. Yet time after time in American politics, we neglect to do the thenwhat analysis.

Imagine if we’d done it say in Iraq? “Let’s invade Iraq.”

“O.K… (short pause) then what?”

“Well, everyone will live happily ever after?”

(Note, if thenwhat analysis comes back “everyone will live happily ever after” you have not done proper thenwhat analysis.)

“Oh wait, on second thought, if we invade Iraq, a lot of people will be killed, millions will be displaced, people won’t be very happy with us and we will be three trillion dollars poorer.”

“Hmm, let’s maybe not do that then.”

Or had we done a little thenwhat analysis with Bush’s tax cuts.

“Hey, let’s cut taxes on the wealthiest Americans while waging two global wars!”

“OK… then what?”

“Um… Oh, wait, we’ll wind up with the largest budget deficits in American History!”

“Hey let’s not do that maybe then…”

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we had just done some rudimentary thenwhat analysis?

So that’s my hope for the Obama administration. For every policy, may they just do the requisite thenwhat analysis.

“Let’s give GM a ton of money.” Then what?

“Let’s go to war with Iran/ North Korea.” Then what?

Let us always use thenwhat analysis for all things from here on in.

And that’s my wish for the Obama administration. That and health care. Let’s get us some health care.

--w

Second Christmas

2009-01-13T20:38:00.000-08:00

Christmas it has come and gone
But in our land the spirit lives on
I needn't mention in this rhyme
We have but one prez at a time
But soon dear Santa has arranged
That we will get the gift of change
One more gift inside that bag
But waiting for it, what a drag...
Turns us into Christmas kids
Just about to flip our lids
Looking at our nation's stockings
Gaping back, so empty. Mocking
Wishing time could just get moving
Get our nation's luck improving
Naught to do but sit and mope
Until those socks get filled with Hope
Real change. Oh how good for the soul!
No more Rove-spun lumps of coal
I'm so excited, I can't speak
Second Christmas! One more week!

Whack Nativities

2008-12-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

So there’s been a lot of talk about the atheist’s sign on display at the Washington State Capitol. It’s in a special area with a “holiday tree” and a nativity scene, the theory being that you can have a religious display on public property if you also open it up to other faiths (or lacks of faith) as need be. Well, the freedom from religion foundation took them up on it, and now… well we’ve got a hell of a mess. It’s not just ugly, it’s Bill O’reilly ugly, and that’s pretty ugly.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/6420ap_wa_capitol_holiday_displays.html

(Note to O’reilly: Matthew 19:23-34 “It is harder for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” See you in hell Bill!)

While I find the wording of the sign a bit harsh, and can think of a lot of other ways the point could be made, I do feel obliged to say to the poor, misguided folks protesting it that THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON’T KEEP CHURCH AND STATE SEPARATE! We’ve told you members of the Christian right and anyone else who might listen, that not only is the mix of faith and government bad for the state, it is also bad for religion. When you demand that religious monuments be displayed on public property, the public (read: government) gets to decide what face your religion shows to the world.

And it could be worse than just a few angry atheists. Imagine that the state-supported nativity that you fought so hard for included, say, I don’t know... Something ridiculous… Say… I dunno… a little figurine of a world figure defecating on the whole scene…

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/3545223/Caganers-figurines-of-defecating-world-leaders-in-Catalan-nativity-scenes.html

No, go back and look again. Scroll through the gallery and read it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/3545223/Caganers-figurines-of-defecating-world-leaders-in-Catalan-nativity-scenes.html

Yes, in the Catalan region of Spain, there is an actual TRADITION of putting a figure in the nativity who… oh, how should I put this? Takes a dump in the corner. Imagine if someone demanded that on the White House lawn! Imagine one of those full-size live versions... OK, stop imagining, be glad there aren't a lot of vocal Catalans in our state, and stop complaining when you hear "Season's Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas, glory to God in the highest."

And do think about this anytime you’re tempted to breach the walls between church and state. Your efforts could end up with a world leader literally and figuratively taking a crap in it.

Now is that really what you want?

Happy holidays, Seasons Greetings and Joyous Saturnalia,

-winlar

When We Say Freedom

2008-12-03T10:48:00.000-08:00

When We Say Freedom… We Mean Money
By Winlar
2008
winlar@winlar.net

Many are confused by
U.S. foreign policy
They wonder what we mean when we say
“Freedom isn’t free”

Well, freedom has a lot of meanings
Different usages of the word
And our current regime’s definition might be
Different than ones you’ve heard

It’s a simple misunderstanding
You know it’s actually quite funny
When we say “Freedom?”
We mean money

You’ve heard our president say
“Freedom came under attack”
Our freedom took a hit
So we went and got some in Iraq

Our reasons for invading
Iraq were really sound
They have a lot of freedom there
Once you pump out of the ground

Bush done named it “Operation Iraqi freedom” done he?
Well when he said freedom…
He meant money

Bridge
There’s:
Freedom of the press
Fox news, and CNN
Freedom of religion
The Christian Coali-shen
And if our freely elected leaders you must reach
Well you’re gonna need to raise a little “freedom of speech”

They’ve watered down the word so much
It’s getting kinda runny
When they say freedom
They mean money

Fight for freedom in Darfur?
or Rwanda? Sure, well, fine
Just as soon as we can find a way
To make it fit our bottom line

It’s not that we don’t love third world freedom
Enough for war
It’s really nothing personal, just…
Ooh, they’re so poor!

Get some more foreign investment
Then we’ll talk there sonny
‘Cuz When they say freedom,
They mean money

I hope now that you understand
Why freedom isn’t free
You can only live in freedom
If you pay the membership fee

So as they say so proudly
“Let freedom ring”
I hear some freedom now
Ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching

We love our freedom so much
It really isn’t funny
And when we say freedom… we mean money!

God of STD's

2008-11-19T15:52:00.001-08:00

I know. I'm going straight to hell, but at least we'll be laughing all the way there. Here's a song to help teach "Abstinence Education" to our nation's youth. Full lyrics and chords below.

God of STD's
By Winlar
2008
winlar@winlar.net

F Dm Bflat C

God created love. It’s the greatest thing he made

But that don’t mean you’re doing his will when you’re out getting laid

What you’re thinkin’ bout’s a sin the way you behave you

Must never ever act upon the urges… God gave you

Chorus

Bflat C

God created love

F Bflat

That’s plain to see

Bflat C

But our loving God is also

(Tacit)

God of STDs

F, Dm, Bflat, CCC

God created love so love with naught to hide

But know that God created love with one mean downside

God set down some rules for love in Leviticus

And ifyou not follow them God fills… your junk with pus

God is love, but platonic love

I think you will agree

Remember that you’re messing with

The God of STD’s

Bridge

Gm Dm

You may laugh and say what do I know about love

Gm Dm

You may taunt me or tease me or scoff

Gm Dm

But heed my advice and you’ll thank me someday

A C

When your penis DOESN’T fall off

Love’s a gift from God to everything that’s living

But God can also gift you with the gift that keeps on giving

So you might think that you love that boy so bad it gives you fits

But you never know when Satan might be lurking… in his naughty bits

Love’s a very blessed thing

We all can agree

But don’t mess with the blessings of…

the God Of STDs

So remember kids to use your bible not your common sense

Demons, hellfire, these are things that condoms won’t prevent

Life Romance and Happiness for those you’ve God to thank

But read the good book you’ll see on the eighth day… God created skank

Chorus

God is the creator of all eternity

But our maker has a side job…

God of STDs.

My Heart's in a Condition of Extraordinary Rendition

2008-11-10T14:44:00.000-08:00

In honor of the news the NY Times reported today about secret missions our military has been conducting into countries we're not at war with, I thought I'd post this little song about "extraordinary rendition." That's where the CIA secrets people away to countries where torture is legal and, well, who knows what happens, but they supposedly start talking. This naturally inspired me to write a love song. Enjoy!

My Heart’s in a Condition

Of Extraordin’ry Rendition

By Winlar

2008

winlar@winlar.net

(Chorus)

My heart’s in a condition

Of Extraordin’ry rendition

No freedom since you got a hold of me

Been beaten black and blue

To make me say that I love you true

Your love takes some uncivil liberties

Oh the things my heart has done

Ever since I met you hon’

It really is so hard to explain

I said "how do you do"

And the next thing that I knew

My heart was handcuffed, gagged and forced onto a plane

My poor heart vanished with no trace

To some dark and scary place

You know they say that love can curl your hair?

Well it can straighten it out too

Especially when you

Got your Electrodes hooked up dear god knows where

Chorus

Bridge:

They say love takes one to strange places

Now I know what that means

I just wish your strange places

Weren’t run by such cruel regimes…

And now my love I’m locked in

To your love’s extreme shock doctrine

I haven’t felt quite right since don’t know when

Not sure where it will get us

But I love you dear, now let us

Never ever ever speak of this again….

My Endorsement

2008-11-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

With one day left before the election, pollsters tell us that one in seven voters may still be undecided. How? You’ve had two years people! What kind of laissez-faire citizen must you be to not have accidentally gleaned enough info at this point to at least make the wrong decision?

But then I realized what it is everyone is waiting for! MY official endorsement. Yes, I realized that I haven’t officially endorsed anyone yet, and though it shouldn’t be too hard if you read my work, watch my shows, or hear my songs to figure out which candidate I’d endorse, if you’re still undecided at this point maybe you’re just not smart enough to read which direction I’m leaning without me out and out saying so.
So here goes:

I endorse, with nearly every fiber of my being, Barack Obama for President of the United States. So if you’ve been undecided, please go vote for him now.

Why?
In short, he’s one of us and all of the opposition’s attempts to paint him as “the other” have only managed to point this out in greater detail.
He wasn’t born to wealth and privilege. He’s worked hard to gain everything he’s achieved with an intellectual curiosity this college graduate finds deeply refreshing. He hasn’t turned his back on his roots either, pushing for health care, tax fairness, higher wages, and social equality for the middle class.
And outside of the many tangible issues he's right about, let’s just talk about the gut reaction we get from this guy, which is that he can flat-out lead. Whether he’s right or wrong, flim-flam or the real McCoy, I will follow this guy. I’ve heard folks question what this “Svengali-like hold” Obama wields over people is. Might I suggest it might be a thing called “leadership” that we’ve been without so long we hardly recognize it anymore? Dismiss it all as "words" if you must, but we live now in the information age, and commanding words is an important part of commanding a nation.

With this endorsement of course, I do not wish to disparage Senator McCain. Following his career as I have, I have always thought of him as an honorable man. I don’t wish to disparage him. Unfortunately, through his campaign, he has disparaged himself.

Senator McCaskill of Missouri said it best. “Barack Obama is running to fix America and John McCain is simply running against Barack Obama.” I’ve long respected Sen. McCain’s position on reform, but he has dishonored himself with the low nature of his campaign.
Perhaps out of desperation he has played the “guilt by association” gambit, a gambit which does a disservice to McCain’s honor, to our political process, and to logic itself. But since McCain began with that gambit, he has fallen victim to it, as his own association to a miserable unjust war, a running mate with no ideas or experience just bile and insults, and a Republican Party so mad to remain in power they will forego decency, morality and the good of the nation. Were this country the child in King Solomon’s Conundrum, they would clearly rather it be split than share the rule of it. Such friends defame you Senator McCain, and while I may have welcomed you in the White House, your friends have vandalized its walls and we can’t have them there anymore. You would serve your honor best to disassociate from such people.

So there you have it. I endorse Obama and any force to change the direction of this nation towards progressive policies where EVERY American dream stands a better chance of fulfillment.

Now go vote.

Ode to Joe the Plumber

2008-10-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

Boy, Obama sure did have trouble answering that question from that guy who came up to him and... completely made it up... Bad mistake for Barack the Senator grounding his answer in reality while "Joe the Plumber" (Well, at least the “the” is accurate) based his question on a business that didn't exist and circumstances he just made up. But still, a folk hero is a folk hero and even this one deserves his own ode before he (hopefully) disappears into the abyss of political obscurity. So here we go.

You think a quarter mil’ a year makes you middle class?
Joe I hope you’re a good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math

Well Joe it seems you got yourself in one hell of a mess
Goin’ up there to Obama and asking him a question
And ever since we’ve seen you spoutin’ off your rabid views
About how you’d be taxed more to all who watch Fox News
Yes Joe, you sure hate taxes, no ifs ands or buts
But a little research shows Obama’d get your taxes CUT

You should have checked your figures there, before you spewed your wrath
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math!

You’d buy a made-up business, but you’re scared of the taxes
Uh, two secs to crunch real numbers will show you what the facts is:
Buying that unreal company won’t raise your tax berth
'Cuz you pay income tax on INCOME, not what the company’s worth
So great news! No one will tax you just 'cuz you’re ambitious
(And there’s no tax at all, when the company’s fictitious!)

So your little pretend company won’t make you take a bath
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math!

You say that you’d be taxed more than the Average Joe
Just because you’d make ‘bout 6 times what average is? Oh NO!
Were your business real, which it isn’t, even so
The tax penalty that you’d pay, um, it ain’t a lot of dough
To avoid a coupla' bucks in tax, you’d honestly forgo
A 200 K increase in pay? Great business sense there Joe!

Instead of fake tax you'd pay, think of the fake wealth you'd amass
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, ‘cuz you sure do suck at math

The politics of laissez-faire sure do have their appeal
When you talk about people who aren’t suffering or… real
So stick to plumbing Joe, if your work is worth the price
And when you add your bill up please don't mind I'll surely check it twice
But as for punditry, your misspent fame, well, it’s been fun
But come Tuesday, your famous fifteen minutes should be done.

Use a calculator first, THEN talk out your ass
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, ‘cuz you sure do suck at... political science, foreign policy, economics, country music, giving interviews, punditry, personal hygiene, oh, and math!

God Bless Our Constitution

2008-10-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

God Bless Our Constitution
(It’s worth giving up freedom for)
By Winlar
2008
winlar@winlar.net

F Bflat
God bless our Founding fathers for a contract they did sign
F C
Which put our rights and freedoms right there on the dotted line
It’s called a constitution and God knows what it’s about
But it’s something that we cherish here there isn’t any doubt

But in 2001 the document came under fire
Some sick and twisted terrorists to steal it did aspire
And tragic’ly the parchment that the thing was written on
Was not designed to shield us from Al Qaeda’s dirty bombs

Bflat F
So let’s keep this thing safe, let’s lock it up behind closed doors
C
God bless our constitution
Tacit
It’s worth giving up freedom for!
F,Bflat,C
F,Bflat,C

What makes this land so great? Why it’s a wondrous document
Which gives full-unchecked power over us to government
But now the creed’s under attack. By Terrorists thieves and knaves it’s
Clear we must destroy the document, if only but to save it

Damned if we’ll let Terrorists have rights we so adore
God bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for

Bridge
You know those wacky terrorists
Have such amazing talentses
The hide ever so cleverly
Behind our checks and balances
So do not stop to read it
Like some intellectual dorkus
Or they’ll jump right out and stab you
Right there in your Habeas Corpus!

It’s a wonderful ol’ document, just not when we’re at war
God bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for.

So come on folks, we're mired in this fearsome fight of fights
And we cannot be encumbered by some weighty Bill of Rights
So let's safeguard our principles where they'll be far from woe
Let's lock that constitution up safe in Guantanamo!

It’s got sentimental value that we don’t use anymore
God Bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for

Welcome to the Country

2008-10-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote this months before the recent economic meltdown, and yet it still works. Here's a clip from the last show, lyrics below.

-winlar

Welcome to the Country

By Winlar

2008

winlar@winlar.net

Welcome newborns to this world of ours

Welcome to the planet’s greatest nation

Where wealth abounds and there is still some economic growth

Marginally once you’ve adjusted for inflation

I know you’ll have a life of love and prosperity

Doin’ whatever you’ll be doin’

Despite the fact that decades of bad

Economic practices will surely lead us to impending ruin

Oh may you have a wonderful life

With joy and love and even weekend days off

At least until our monetary system collapses

And society spirals into chaos

Bridge 1

You’ll have a sparkling life

Despite the pending strife

Don’t worry about this, not yet

I know you’re just days old

So you have not been told

You were born nine trillion dollars in debt

So as you grow, and go, you know

That life is mostly all fun and cheers

Especially when you’ve shunned fiscal responsibility

Like we’ve been doing lo these 30 years

But don’t you sweat the post-apocalyptic hell that we will soon live in

Get that out of your head

That economic nightmare is still many years away

And by that time both your parents will be dead!

Oh may you have a wonderful life

And stay on the right side of the layoffs

At least until our monetary system collapses

And society spirals into chaos

Bridge

All this is years away

Don’t let it ruin your day

So what if our currency is flawed?

It’s possible you may

Not even live to that day

Oh, and by the way there is no God

Life will always have its triumphs and its crises

There’s a fine line there I guess will always be

But even finer is that finer line that any day could snap

Between our civil code and violent anarchy

But you know crisis means the same as opportunity

It’s possible things will turn out neat

So good luck outrunning all the godless starving hordes

Who’ll want to kill you just because they need the meat

I know you’ll have a wonderful life

I’ll bet your team always makes the playoffs

At least until our monetary system collapses and \

Society spirals into chaos

Comments from the right

2008-10-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

OK, so I posted my "Are You Really That Stupid" song on Facebook, and I've gotten some right-wing hate mail answering the question very much in the affirmative. I think the comments are very much a microcosm of Republican campaigning in general, so I thought I would share the exchange with you, my dear blog fans, all seven of you. (You may wish to scroll down and watch the video first.)

First, the comment:

1. Are you wearing a hair helmet or is that seriously your hairstyle?

2. You look like the kind of guy that would support Obama because you are always looking for the next thing the government can do for you instead of actually doing something for yourself.

3. Did you wake your Mom when you were making this video or did you have her basement door shut while you were in your "room" (a curtained off corner of the basement I assume).

4. Do you actually have any idea about Obamas proposed policies.

Sincerely,

--John C. Namewinlarmadeup.

And here's my patriotic response:

Dear John,

Thanks for checking out my video!

I always appreciate intelligent, thoughtful, and constructive feedback. I also appreciate yours.

Thank you for enlightening the current political debate with a stream of ad homonym attacks, tired catch-phrases and assertions that you can't possibly know are factual, and as it turns out, aren't. May I hazard a guess that you sir, are a Republican?

Allow me to deal with your attempts at put-down humor one by one:

1. Hair helmet! Ah, Scrubs was funny wasn’t it? But now it's gone. What sitcom will you get your material from now?

Yes, that is my real hair. Of my many faults, vanity is clearly not one of them.

Nice pic of you by the way! Is that your real chest? So nice of you to share so much of it!

Sorry blog fans. Can't share his picture with you as I do want to keep things anonymous, but just imagine a neckline right out of the Sopranos or the mid-seventies and a well lubed-back coif.

2. I remember when I joined the US military I thought to myself, "Gee, here's something my country can do for ME!” When I started teaching low-income kids, I thought, "I'm going to make MILLIONS doing this!”

And when I asked for a $750 billion bailout... Was that me or was that conservative “free-market ideologues” who believe in privatizing profit, but socializing debt? Hint: It wasn’t me.

You stereotype liberals when you say we ask what government can do for us personally. What liberals ask is what government can do for SOCIETY. ALL OF US! Education, alleviating poverty, health care, equality, a greater social safety net, maternity leave for mothers et al. These are not selfish requests, these are CHRISTIAN requests.

3. Wake my Mom? That's the best you can come up with? What are you twelve? It’s a good thing we’re not living in a grown up country with grown up problems, or your misguided cheap shot would somehow cheapen the discourse…

The video is shot in the house that I OWN and where I live with my wife, my 2 kids and the world’s best dog. The fact that I’m married is visible on my Facebook profile. I’m curious, did you not bother to look up that fact, or did you research it and go with the attack anyway? (I'd like to ask the same thing to Sarah Palin)

People’s houses (in this case my upstairs office. When we assume..) are where YouTube videos are shot! If you want production values get HBO. YouTube, Facebook, and MySpace are all about the common man taking back the conversation from the corporate media. Why be such a dick about the set design?

4. Um, had you listened to the song, you'd have heard that I mentioned lowering college tuition, ending the Iraq war, and health care as Obama’s proposed policies. (More policy discourse in one song than in McCain’s entire convention speech.)

How could anyone at this juncture NOT know Obama’s proposed policies? He mentions them in every stump speech, they were talked about ad nauseum at the convention, the 24 hour cable news networks have absolutely nothing else to talk about except for fist bumps and lapel pins, and I understand that there is this thing nowadays called the Internet that’s all the rage. (It’s almost as though we’ve entered some kind of “Information Age!”) What kind of mediocre citizen wouldn’t research both candidate’s positions?

If someone's even paying a passing attention, they’ve picked up a dozen things Obama will do, and I play very close attention. I read three different newspapers. I have factcheck.org linked on my homepage. I TiVo stuff on C-SPAN! (Having admitted that, I feel I must restate the fact that I do not live with my mother) I did a whole stinkin’ hour-long hilarious political comedy show for crying out loud! (DVD’s still available!)

Why do I pay so much attention? Because before I started paying so much attention, I was a conservative.

But since you asked, (sans question marks) here are a few other things Obama proposes to do that come to mind off the top of my head, in no particular order:

-He will implement a saner, less arrogant foreign policy, ending the "Silent treatment" policy, which never worked in high school, hasn't worked internationally, and has devastated our prestige with other nations.

-He supports the Employee Free Choice Act, which will increase the power of Unions to negotiate better wages in this country. Studies consistently show that unions drive wages up, even for non-members. This is a good thing.

-He’ll invest in energy solutions to get us off of our petroleum dependency, decrease the nation’s carbon footprint, and creating new jobs in new technologies.

-He’ll raise the federal minimum wage! You do know that the vast majority of people living in poverty work, right? You do know that the majority of people earning minimum wage are not teenagers but male heads of households and single mothers, right? So let’s see… when you pull up to the drive thru during an Obama administration, not only will the guy serving you your whopper be less likely to spit in it, he’ll have health care so if he does it will likely be less contagious. I’d say that’s a win-win wouldn’t you?

-And oh yeah, he'll stop torturing people without even the right of habeus corpus, bring back the rule of law, and end one of the saddest, most paranoid eras in American history?

Is that enough, or would you like to know more about people he’s met who did bad things when he was eight?

Btw,

Let me recommend some very useful websites

http://taxcut.barackobama.com/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/06/09/ST2008060900950.html

Which should demonstrate to you the clear differences in tax policy between the two candidates and also demonstrate that you are very likely voting against your own economic self-interest.

Boy, I have gone on haven’t I? That’s how it goes when you talk about issues rather than someone’s hair.

I hope you've enjoyed my responses to your questions, (more questions than Sarah Palin has fielded in the past 2 weeks…)

Thanks again for your comment on my song and asking such insightful questions, while answering my original one!

GoBama!

--winlar

Let that be a lesson to you all. Winlar's hair is OFF LIMITS!

Are You Really?

2008-10-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry 'bout the low quality video, but we're going on the fly these days. Here's a little song I wrote for those who are buying the latest Republican line, asking that musical question. (Lyrics below)

So you’re worried ‘bout Obama
Because of Bill Ayers
Combine that with fist bumps
And his lapel pin and you’re really scared

Well your vote is your choice
So do what you must do
But first if you don’t mind if I’d like to ask
One question of you

Are you really that Stupid
Are you really that daft?
Can you actually function
With your head
So far up your ass?
Is your life’s only purpose
To turn food into poop? It
Really pains me that I have to ask
Are you really that stupid?

You know the country has problems
The economy’s ailin’
And you can see none of them can be solved
By Sarah Palin

But you’ve heard that “That One”
Is a dangerous guy
At least that’s what John McCain says
And why would he lie?

Chorus

I know you want cheaper college
And taxes cut just a tweak?
And I know you want to end this war that’s costing
2 billion a week

And I know you want health care
For all sick and lame
But you'll just forgo all that
Cuz' you're scared of some guy's middle name

Chorus

Town Hall Debate Running Diary

2008-10-08T00:20:00.000-07:00

All Right, well, I haven’t done a running diary on anything since I don’t know when, so I thought I’d spend 90 otherwise worthwhile minutes of my life watching tonight’s presidential debate and giving my reactions as they hit me. (Props of course to the Sport’s Guy for more or less inventing the format.)

Let’s get to it!

5:55:35 PM
OK, Debate’s about to begin. Some notes going in watching the pregame:

-Cindy McCain today said that Obama’s run “the dirtiest campaign in the History of the US.” Hello? This isn’t even the dirtiest campaign in the history of John McCain!

-The debate is before a “town meeting” and there are like 40 people in the hall. What town are they talking about, Wasilla Alaska?

-The questions will be asked by “undecided” voters. Honestly, how can anybody still be undecided at this point? These candidates have been at it for more than a year! If you committed a crime when these guys began, congratulations, the statute of limitations has run out by now! Why don’t we allow people who at least follow politics once a year to ask the debate questions?

6:00:40 PM
OK. Going to watch the debate on PBS, which I recommend to all. No interrupting, no crawl line, no pulse thingy. When in doubt, PBS.

6:01:56 PM
Here’s Tommy Brokaw to fact-check me and say the town hall has 80 people. Oh great. Tom has screened the questions. Conspiracy theorists, get typing… So there won’t be any question coming out of left field. No. It’s not like a president ever needs to think on his feet or anything…

6:03:09 PM
Here they come to shake hands. McCain makes perhaps the only eye contact of the night with Obama.

6:03:58 PM
Bald guy asks first question. Economy of course. Big drawl. Who decided on Nashville for this? Dems gave away home field advantage.
The answers strike me as dull because I’ve heard it all before.
Oh, but first lie of the night. McCain on Energy. 700 billion is an inflated estimate. The real number is around 569 billion. (Yes, I’ve been on Factcheck.org a lot lately)
McCain sounds like a grandparent trying to make his grandkids eat broccoli.

6:09:00 PM
Tom asks a follow-up question. I’m wondering if somehow Brokaw will wind up asking more questions than the audience. Even odds on that.
McCain suggests someone from E-bay to be Treasury secretary (It’s on this “Internet” thing he’s heard of.)
Obama suggests, well, no actual name.

6:11:33 PM
Can a brother ask a question around here? Yes! Already this debate is more diverse than the Reppublican National Convention…
(I was so excited for the fact that someone diverse was asking something I missed the question.)
McCain says we probably haven’t heard of Freddie and Fannie Mac before. Man, he is condescending. Then he blames Democrats and cronies and the people who, god forbid, asked for mortgages. (65% of whom qualified for better mortgages than they were talked into, but still, they’re POOR!!)

Obama is going to go well over the time limit. This will be a problem for both all night. They have to answer the questions, connect with the questioners and slander each other all within a one-minute time span.

6:17:52 PM
If you’re drinking at home, you should have picked “cronyism” for your trigger word.

6:18:54 PM
Man, this woman, Theresa Finch, was almost in tears asking “How can we trust you! Both parties are bad!” Hey, I feel her pain, but again, if you’re an undecided voter at this point you’re part of the problem. If people like you paid more attention Theresa, then the parties wouldn’t be allowed to run roughshod all over you. Try Factcheck.org before giving up on democracy…

-McCain really is good at this format. He’s also helped by the complete lack of rebuttal time allowed.

6:23:51 PM
Who cried out for more Brokaw? “I got the fever, and it can only be cured with more Brokaw!” Tom, we get you on Meet the Press every week. Let these 80 Joe Six-Packs ask one freakin’ question for one night in 4 years. Jeesh.
Anyway, He wants priorities on things, and I’m totally bored already.

6:26:50 PM
This debate is sounding exactly like the last debate. Make that the last two debates. It’s like hearing Barack Obama and John McCain cover bands.

6:28:35 PM
Tom slipped another question in there. He has now asked 5 questions to 3 by the audience. I will continue to score this.

-John McCain REALLY hates that overhead projector Obama bought for a Chicago Planetarium. Apparently it represents everything that is wrong with America.

Side note: I’m sure I’m not the first person to have noticed that Microsoft Word’s spellchecker has no problem with John McCain, but it redlines both Barack and Obama. Just another obstacle he’s had to climb…

6:32:25 PM
My son just pooped his pants. This concerns me much more than the debate right now or how either of the candidates “connects” to anybody.

6:33:29 PM
Another Brokaw question! 6-3. (By the way, the spellchecker has no problem with Brokaw either! Really? Brokaw? How commonly do people type Brokaw?)

6:35:56 PM
McCain just compared Obama to Herbert Hoover. John, only you remember Herbert Hoover.
Now the thing is heating up. McCain just told a bunch of whopping lies that aren’t allowed to get rebutted. My child’s diaper is still poopy, but McCain’s last answer reeks worse.

6:38:57 PM
7-3 Brokaw. This is becoming a rout. The Candidates and Hall had better get busy or Tom’s gonna run away with this debate…

-All the talk about tax plans could be fixed with a visit to Obamataxcut.com or the Washington Post’s excellent chart.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/06/09/ST2008060900950.html
Oh, but that would require the American People to do RESEARCH! God forbid…

6:42:43 PM
McCain’s trying to out-Sarah-Palin Sarah Palin. Some g’s please folks and fella’s!

6:43:21 PM
Question from the hall. 7-4. And a generic question about Climate Change! Thanks for screening the questions Tom! Are the people of Nashville really this DULL? (That would explain the state of country music…)

6:45:26 PM
McCain really seems excited! Well, not really. He seems like someone trying to ACT excited saying things he’s already said 1000 times. Anyway, it’s a good format for him.

More exciting though is that there’s this kid with a crew cut who is in the background whenever a certain camera angle is used and the kid appears to be an odd combination of bored/terrified. 3 to 1 the kid picks his nose on national TV before we’re through. It will be the best part of this debate.

6:48:20 PM
8-4 Brokaw. Do we need a Manhattan Project for Energy? Duh. We should have Manhattan Projects for everything. But that’s just my opinion. Manhattan Projects work.

-Finally a good health care question from the house makes it 8-5. Unfortunately I already know how both candidates will answer it. They’ll tell lies about each other’s plans rather than extol the merits of their own. Too bad.

(My wife has chimed in with “Just say yes or no.” She’s right. For those of you playing at home, the correct answer is:
“Is health care a commodity? NO. It’s a fucking NEED!”
Neither candidate answered it correctly. Maybe Tom will follow-up?)

6:55:29 PM
Tom gets in there. 9-5. Is health care a right, privilege of responsibility? Nice to have a little follow, but why the third option Tom? Responsibility? What does that even mean?
For the record, McCain-Responsibility, Obama- Right.

Obama goes over time by about 100 years but had to because Health care is complex. You know the Lincoln-Douglass debates? No time limits! Let’s get back to that.

6:59:56 PM
And from there to Iraq. 9-6. The hall is making a comeback. My kid’s diaper has been changed and John McCain is ignoring the question he was asked.

7:01:37 PM
Man, have I heard both sides talk about Iraq ad nauseum. Guys, it was a bad idea. Let’s get out of there and stop turning good money into bad and good troops into casualties.

Oh, and by the way, not that anyone mentioned it, but the surge didn’t work. More on that later.

7:04:24 PM
Brokaw asks an interesting question. “What is your doctrine?” An interesting question, but still, Tom’s talking too much. 10-6.

Apparently the McCain doctrine consists mainly of criticizing the Obama doctrine…

John, damnit, someone needs to set you straight on this, so I guess it has to be me in bold face.
Victory and Defeat are terms for games. Stop belittling our troops by referring to a war as if it were a game! (By the way, the vets of Iraq and Afghanistan graded you a D for the past 2 years.)

7:08:36 PM
Katie Hamm (Real name? You decide) reads a question on a card as if it’s the first time she’s ever seen it. 10-7 Come on Hall! Make a comeback!

(I have to pee. How much more of this thing is left?)

McCain’s strategy for winning Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan? David Petraeus! What are we going to clone him?
(Spellchecker did not find Petraeus btw)

Oh, now we’re getting personal. The bomb Iran, and all the dumb McCain quotes are coming out. It’s almost interesting. Almost.

7:16:28 PM
Enter Brokaw. 11-7. Should we reorganize Afghanistan strategy? Meanwhile, my wife has turned on “Legally Blonde” on our second TV (Yes, I have two TV’s next to each other in my living room.) It’s hard to keep an eye on John McCain when 15 sorority girls are screaming and hugging each other just to his right…

Reason number 2003 that John McCain shouldn’t be president. He still says the surge worked. The surge didn’t work. It’ didn’t cause the Anbar awakening etc…
What really stopped the violence in Iraq? Sadly, the neighborhoods became so segregated, there’s “No one left to kill” as one expert put it. That’s what’s brought the violence down, as well as some other diplomacy.
And, John, even if the surge DID work, and the only reason that violence is down is the presence of US troops, then what the hell happens when we eventually do pull out? Sure, you can bring down crime by imposing a police state, but something else has to change, or the crime will come right back as soon as you leave. The surge commits us to Iraq for LONGER!
But I’m not very opinionated on that…

7:20:14 PM
Tom reads a question from the Internet. Does that make the score 11-7-1? I dunno. I’ve paused the debate for the first time because I really need to pee.

OK. Russia. McCain says there won’t be a new cold war, then basically calls Putin “Evil.”
Both candidates are trying to list more obscure countries than the other here as a way of showing that they can win a geography bee. Meanwhile my daughter has decided to just scream through the whole thing anyway and I don’t blame her.

Here’s all you need to know about what US foreign policy will be like in the next administration: We’ll still be arrogant, “talk tough” to keep the domestic fear level high, and use our military way too much, because when your only tool is a hammer, every problem becomes a nail. Don’t worry folks. As long as you clamor for a “strong leader” and “American Exceptionalism” you’ll get to keep paying 20 times more for your military than any other country…

7:27:04 PM
“Is Russia the Evil Empire” question. Tom’s now up 12-7-1.
McCain makes a joke. Yeah, the cold war. Good times..

7:28:17 PM
From the peanut gallery, a question about Iran and Israel makes it 12-8-1. I have Sooooo much trouble actually believing that this Naval Petty Officer really wanted to ask a question about Iran attacking Israel. Really? Is that really what’s first and foremost on your mind there CPO Sharkey? What the hell?

McCain: “Be afraid of Iran. Be very afraid”
Obama: “Be afraid. Be very afraid… Nuclear weapons…”
Honestly kids, Iran? A threat? Have we really run that low on things to be afraid of? Who else are we going to be at war with in the next 4 years? (Don’t answer that. Please don’t answer that…)

7:33:05 PM
Last Question. Thank God… From the Internet. 12-8-2 final score, Brokaw asking more questions than a US city and the Internet combined. Thanks Tom for still being our “Media Filter.”
The question is “what don’t you know and how will you learn it?” It got a laugh, but um, what a blitheringly stupid question to sum up a blitheringly stupid night.
If there’s something you don’t know, you don’t know it, hence the question is inherently unanswerable and makes us vulnerable to a potential Donald Rumsfeld “Unknown Unknown” nonsense. Thank you Internet, for wasting even more of my time and thank you “Commission on Presidential Debates” for stealing 90 minutes of my life I could have spent bonding with my kids.

This thing just sucked folks. You can’t put lipstick on this pig.

Ugh. Time to wrap up…

So who won? Tell you what. I won’t belittle the debate process by using terms like “win” and “lose” if the candidates stop belittling wars the same way.
But if you must have an answer: I lost. Lost a little more confidence in our system, lost a little more respect for Tom Brokaw, and lost a little more faith in democracy. But other than that, Go USA!!

9:23:54 PM
OK, It’s been a couple of hours and a hot tub soak since the debate ended, and I have a few more rants thinking about a few things.

First and foremost, this “debate” format was a complete joke. Town Hall? The only good things about the town hall format are that people can ask unpredictable questions, and can do it directly, with no mediation. By having Brokaw screen the questions, they sucked that out of it and turned the citizens into mere props. That’s like waiting a long time for fast food, or paying more at Home Depot. Once you take the one good thing out all that you’re left with is suck. This whole Town meeting format really needs to find the dung heap of Americana if they keep doing it like this.

And I still can’t believe that a naval officer in Tennessee has nothing more pressing on his mind than whether or not Iran is going to invade Israel, and is basing his presidential selection on how a candidate answers that question. I just can’t. The dude wasn’t even Jewish! Something funny is going on here. This is a crock.

You know what would be better than all of this hyped “debate” nonsense? I’m just begging to see two candidates sit at a table, no moderator, and just TALK TO EACH OTHER! Ask questions of each other. Haggle over figures. Heck, put a computer there on the table and they can research figures and fact check on the Internet and everything. Sure, four and a half hours every four years wouldn’t be enough, so hell, put them both in the same room and let them argue for a week. It would be so much better than this pre-packaged garbage that the Commission on Presidential Debates brings us. That organization needs to be disbanded in the worst way. It’s a huge impediment to intelligent democracy.

Sorry. I guess I’m just a bit burned out by politics.
See you later in the week with a nice funny song which will probably address more issues than tonight's debate did.

--winlar

Joe Six-Pack

2008-10-06T16:45:00.000-07:00

So Sarah Palin said repeatedly in the debate that she’s just a “Joe Six-Pack.” Funny… I’m a Six-Pack and I’ve never seen you at the family reunions!

I often enjoy a six-pack or two in between six-packs and being a part of the proud Six-Pack family I’d like to say that Sarah Palin does not speak for me. In fact, if she is a true Six-Pack, (maybe by marriage? Is that why it’s hyphenated?) then she’s soiling the good Six-Pack family name as an embarrassment to Six-Packs everywhere. This Gov is no true Six-Pack.

Here’s a little primer on how to be a good Six-Pack:

Us Six-Packs don’t care if you don’t answer the questions the way people expect, but we do want you to answer correctly once in a while…

Six-Packs know that no matter how low your expectations, if you get your ass kicked in a debate, you got your ass kicked in a debate.

Six-Packs know that the causes of things, like global warming or the financial crisis matter!

Six-Packs know the difference between “fundamentals” and “workers.” We do not believe these words are synonyms.

This Joe Six-Pack believes in evolution, since he has seen his compatriots regress from time to time.

Joe Six-Pack thinks that, now that you’re worth $1.2 million, maybe you can kick in for beer, or health care, or college tuition for the rest of the family.

Joe Six-Pack believes that paying his taxes is patriotic, taking your company offshore is unpatriotic, and that labeling people patriotic and unpatriotic does a disservice to the nation. (Joe Six-Pack realizes the contradiction lying therein.)

Joe Six-Pack knows that, despite all the abstinence education you get, Six-Packs being what they are, if you don’t learn about contraception, there are gonna be a lot of little Six-Packs running around.

Joe Six-Pack loves America, Americans, of all creeds colors and backgrounds. He doesn’t just “Tolerate” them.

Joe Six-Pack is wondering how you can share his values, since you don’t seem to have any…

And lastly, Joe Six-Pack really hates it when people talk out their asses, lie and weasel, and aren’t qualified for their jobs.

And now, for the Six-Packs everywhere, some true populism:

God Chose This President and ists.

2008-10-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

So in honor of tonight's upcoming "debate" featuring things Sarah Palin has been told to say and things Joe Biden will be nit-picked for, I thought I'd blog the opening song of my last show. (DVD's of which are available!) which you can view by scrolling down.

But first, since I realize that for making fun of Gov. Palin I will be labeled a "sexist" by people who don't have a single clue what the term means, I wrote a little essay to edify.

The “Ist” thing

I’m not antifeminist. I’m antisarahpalinist. I’m not sexist, I’m anncoulterist. Specificity people. It’s what American discourse is lacking. I see a lot of people confusing political correctness with actual correctness, so we need a little crash course on how and when to use "ists."

What people still don’t seem to get about the ist thing is that sex-ist means that something insults the entire sex, as I would do if I said, “No woman should be vice-president.” That insults the entire sex. However, when I say, “any woman would be a better vice-president than Sarah Palin.” Well that’s about as un-sexist as you can get.

The ist thing does not apply to shots taken at any one particular person. You demean ists when you forget this. When I say, “OJ probably killed his wife,” I’m not saying “All black people killed OJ’s wife.” That's not even technically possible. If I say “Black folks all smoke pot,” that’s obviously as racist as it is untrue, but if I say “Snoop Dogg needs to put the pipe down,” I’m simply stating something well documented in the public record.
If I say that Pat Buchanon is a blithering jackass, would it be said that I hate all white men? Does that make me a self-hating white male? No. I hate blithering jackasses. This makes me a self-hating blithering jackass, but that’s just something I’ll have to learn to deal with.

So since I’m talking about blithering jackasses, let’s come full circle back to Palin. Sarah, stop trying to change the ist rules. The ist rules, when properly enforced don’t allow you to hide behind everyone who happens to share your gender, race, class or creed whenever someone happens to point out the fact that you’re a psycho. I'm not saying that you are a psycho because you're a woman, I'm saying that you are a psycho because you're a psycho. Don’t blame it on an ist or ism because someone points out that you personally have done nothing but slander and lie with your fifteen minutes of fame. It’s not sexism, it’s sarahpalinism and there’s going to be a lot more of it the more you duck behind a feminist movement you never previously seemed to want any part of. Stop hiding behind your gender and take your lumps like a… like a… well, let’s just say vice-presidential candidate running with a guy who opposed the ERA.

OK, now let's sing a song making fun of you.

Pointy-headed Intellectual

2008-09-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

Pointy-Headed Intellectual
By Winlar™ + GT
©2007
winlar@winlar.net

Since when did we decide in this brave land of the free
That to love our land we must be mired in imbecility?
The “love U.S. or leave it” crowd just keeps on talking tough
And as a proud college alumnus I’ve had much more than enough

I’m tired of so-called pundits telling me time and again
I’m less of an American ‘cause there’s more in my brain
A patriot is more than just a jingoistic dunce
We can win this war on terror using more than ignorance

So hear this once and hear it well you bloated balls of gas
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still Kick your ass

I’m tired of being told about how our shit isn’t stinky
By folks who think the Dixie Chicks are “just a bit too thinky”
My colors don’t run either and I love my Uncle Sammer
But when I write country songs I use PROPER GRAMMAR!

I can rock out with Bon Jovi yet appreciate smooth Jazz
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still kick your ass

Bridge
I can dance, I can sing I can play guitar
I can fact-check on the web like a superstar
I can beat you on the court, in the classroom or the bar
And the presets on my radio are tuned to NPR
(Don’t make me go all Nina Totenberg on your ass motherfucker! Cuz I will!)

I love people regardless of their gender, race or class
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
Public Radio member!
And I can still kick your ass
I'm not a snob, elitist or excessively refined
Just because I mock the hobgoblins of your wee puny mind
Did you not get that reference? I'll simplify a notch
I just zinged you quoting Emerson. Feel the burn bee-yatch!

I’m full of piss and vinegar, and wittily parsed sass
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still kick your ass!

Bridge 2
I pack a mighty wallop, so prepare to be out-flogged
And I got lots of free time so prepare to be out-blogged
I use Socratic logic, so prepare to be out-thunk
And I'm a Democrat, so you're gonna get out-drunk!
(C’mon, just you, me, and a cheeky Pinot Noir. What are you scared?)

I can quaff sip or chug it, just gimme the glass
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still kick your ass!

So stop telling me that I should not influence this nation
Just because before espousing I look up my information
I got a love of country and a mind that's all my own
And that should trump a fat-ass and a radio microphone

Don't discriminate against me just because I'm good at math
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual…
Liberal!
Soccer player!
Community organizer!
And I can still kick your ass!

The Greatest Threat

2008-09-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Reminder! Last night to catch my show is tonight at 8pm at the Rendezvous in Belltown.
While you're waiting, here's your video fix of me:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Maverick!

2008-09-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

Damn. Here I’ve been down on John McCain, only to just find out that he’s a Maverick! Why had no one told me? This changes everything! A Maverick!
So I’ve written a little rap about his life story as one maverick to another.

Maverick!
John McCain
Nothing says rebellion like more of the same!

Maverick!
Broke all the rules
They tried to tame him with in exclusive private schools

Maverick!
That’s for sure!
Lists among his pastimes 19th century literature

Maverick!
Born to be bad
So he ran off to work in the same place as his Dad

Maverick!
Rocked the nation
Doin’ what was expected from his family for generations

Maverick!
If he was to run free
He would need the strict discipline of the mili-trie’

Maverick!
Told ‘em all to go to hell
By doing what was ordered of him honorably and well…

Maverick!
No prison could hold ‘im
Except the prison that held him. It really held him.

Maverick!
Cage him? Please!
Only ‘til high-level negotiations ensure his release, Bee-yatch!

Maverick!
John McCain
Nothing says rebellion like more of the same!

Maverick!
Bring it on!
No job says “stick it” more than Senate Naval Liaison!

Maverick!
His mind is free
At the Episcopal churches he attended reg’larly

Maverick!
Loves to fight!
So he chose to represent the party of the rich and white

Maverick!
Got his own philosophy
Marching in lock step with talking points of the GOP

Maverick!
From hell done sent
All of his employers? The US government

Maverick!
Give him cheers!
Been stuck in the same job for 26 years
(And that job ain't exactly intergalactic secret agent rock star...)

Maverick!
Bucks the norm
By trying to find the middle ground for ethics and reform

Maverick!
Shakin’ up what he can
Tax cuts for the wealthy! Stick it to the man!

Maverick!
John McCain
Nothing says rebellion like more of the same!

According to Merriam-Webster:
Maverick: an unbranded range animal (especially a stray calf); belongs to the first person who puts a brand on it
And he's carrying that Republican brand well...

John McCain song and Thanks

2008-09-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who came out to my show this weekend! Hope you tell all your friends and fam about the one remaining performance I have on Friday the 19th. The show is getting some rave reviews and crowds have been most enthusiastic. I couldn't be more pleased.
Here's a little snippet from the show to wet your appetite for more!

Obama Tax Cut

2008-09-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

If I've done this properly, clicking on the title of this post will lead you to a cool website that calculates the size of the tax cut you'll get if Obama's tax plan is enacted. I highly recommend that you check it out and forward it to every Republican you know. (Even ones who can't use a computer, like John McCain...)
-w

Show Tomorrow Night!

2008-09-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

OK, well I have a show tomorrow night, so I don't have any time at all to blog, but I thought I'd just remind everyone about it (below) and also just vent with some random stuff that I'm not able to shoehorn into the show at this late date but feel like getting off my chest. So, in no particular order...

-When John McCain took office in 1982 the national debt was 57.93 Billion (with a B) bucks. It is now 9.5 trillion. Um, I know it isn't all John's fault and that he does fight against wasteful spending but if he's fighting, he's LOSING. If I played soccer the way McCain plays budget, my Dad would have offered me condolences and a lifesaver not let me be president.

-My pal Ingrid sent me a cool link, with one of many upcoming Palin gaffes.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/08/palin-makes-her-first-gaf_n_124792.html
So now we know that she's economically illiterate as well as scientifically illiterate and foreign policy illiterate. I enjoy learning more and more about this new fresh face don't you?

-Cost of bridge to nowhere: $398 million.
Cost of the Iraq war. $300 million. PER DAY!!!
So kudos on saving us so much money there J-Mac and Saracuda. Oh wait, you didn't save us any money, since Sarah still ain't paid the money back...
As I've said before, Democrats may be tax and spend, but Republicans are tax and KEEP!

-Funny bit of sketch comedy here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRqv1hbba5k

And a very funny rather pointed show here:

Winlar '08: Making Things Worse
Sept. 12th, 13th and 19th
8pm
$10

At the Jewel Box Theater in the Rendezvous Bar and Restaurant!
2322 2nd Avenue in Belltown!

As the political season winds to a close, scene-stealing comic genius Winlar, former writer for Almost Live! NPR's Rewind with Bill Radke and theater's Kazoo! sketch comedy group skewers the right with his last political show of the Bush Administration. Join Winlar as he wonders aloud who will do his writing for him after Jan. 20, 2009…

If you agree with Winlar's Politics, you will LOVE this show! If you don't agree with Winlar's politics, please don't vote!

(Warning! Performance contains ukulele and what is loosely called singing.)

See you this weekend I dearly hope!

--winlar

We have a new Dick!

2008-09-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

So after hearing Sarah Palin speak last night, I have to say I was impressed. They way she reached out across partisan lines to make snide comments, spin and attack needlessly showed that she won't let things like decency, truth or manners get in the way of continuing the enmity and gridlock in congress. Nice. Hey! She kind of reminded of someone...

Hmm, so she's a self-described "pitbull" (Attack dog)
She hunts. (Though shooting animals from a helicopter is less hunting and more vandalism)
She's closely tied to the oil industry.

Here we've been worried that McCain would be continuing 4 more years of Bush, but now with Palin, we know that we'll be getting 4 more years of Dick Cheney too!

Palin the face

2008-09-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

OK,
So as the firestorm brews about the many many fallibility's of Sarah Palin, I'd just like to chime in with my own note that I'm not hearing anywhere.

Sarah Palin thinks that Creationism is scientifically credible and should be taught in schools. Anyone versed in the subject to any degree knows that this goes directly against the grain as to the very nature of what science even is. So belief that public schools should waste any of the science curriculum on this completely discredited hypothesis demonstrates a woeful lack of science literacy.

But does a vice-president really need to be scientifically literate? Among the duties of the Vice-President's office? Chairman of the Board of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Arguably the most prestigious scientific organization in the world.

So John McCain has just selected someone to be Chairman of the Board of NASA who IS SCIENTIFICALLY ILLITERATE!

But let's talk about her son in Iraq and pregnant daughter instead because that's less "thinky."

News Quiz!

2008-08-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

As I get ready for my political show, it’s time to make sure you’re up to speed on the issues, so that you’ll be able to follow along! So here’s a quick quiz!
(If you’ve been watching cable news, you should have no trouble matching the questions to the answers below!)
Good luck!

1. What positions have each candidate taken on the role of the World Bank, IMF, and WTO?

2. What is “Extraordinary Rendition?”

3. How many children are currently living in poverty in the US?

4. What is the number one cause of bankruptcy in the US?

5. How much money has each campaign received from the oil industry?

6. What occurred in Iran in 1953 for which Iranians still harbor resentment for the US?

7. What is John McCain’s health care plan?

8. How many voters have been “purged” off of eligible voter rolls in the past 4 years?

9. What positions do the candidates have on media consolidation?

10. How many Iraqi civilians have died as a result of Operation Iraqi Freedom?

Scroll down for the answers!

Answers:
1. Jeremiah Wright
2. Fist Bump
3. Brangelina
4. John Edwards
5. Elitist
6. Secret Muslim
7. Hillary cried
8. Seven houses
9. Lapel pin
10. Brett Favre

Nice Job! Sounds like you’ve been paying attention!
See you at the show!
--Winlar

Olympic Notes

2008-08-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

Not a lot of time for blogging this week, as I'm working on my show and I have Olympic fever! So that in mind, here are a few thoughts about the Beijing Olympics.

-Every Olympics I become Canadian. They have way better coverage, far fewer commercials, and when they win something, man are they HAPPY! I’m so blessed to live close enough to the border to get the CBC. So as the Olympics go on, I just imagine that the border migrated about 300 miles south. Bob Costas versus Don Cherry? Come on!

-Fencing. There is nothing about this sport that would not be helped by giving the fencers furniture to jump around on. Doubles the ratings right there. Somebody needs to get on this!

-Not to take away anything from Michael Phelps' accomplishments, but aren’t the number of medals in swimming sort of inflated? Basically, you swim back and forth various distances, but you can double your medal winnings by being the fastest to swim the same distance a different way. (Butterfly, breast stroke, etc...)

How many more medals could track and field stars garner if they offered not only the 100 meter dash, but also the 100 meter skip, 100 meter run backwards, and the 100 meter hop on one foot? Jesse Owens would have had about 20.

I’m not saying that track should add these, but rather that swimming add hurdles. Some kind of aquatic javelin would also be fun.

-Lastly, synchronized diving? Why? Why do we have this? Why?

See you next week,
--winlar

Flip-Flopping

2008-08-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Hey all. 34 days to my upcoming show! Busy busy busy. But here's a timely rant that I'll likely cut from it. Enjoy. And remember. Sept 12th, 13th and 19th!

So this political process has brought us the stupidest accusations of all time. No I’m not referring to the accusations of secret Muslimism or being the Antichrist or that John McCain’s middle name is “W.” No, I’m talking about the accusations of FLIP-FLOPPING!
I don’t argue that both candidates have done it. They’ve done it early and often. They probably both flip-flopped twice in the time that it took you to read that sentence. That’s not the reason, however, that it’s a stupid accusation. It’s a stupid accusation because it assumes that flip-flopping is a bad thing, when in actuality it is the one thing I hope every candidate can do!

You know who never flip-flopped? Hitler. Anyone wish perhaps he were just a little more fickle? Did Stalin listen to the will of the people a little too much for you? Flip-flopping is the number one quality that we SHOULD want in a president.

I’m tired of politicians who say “I don’t govern by the polls.” Yeah, who cares about public opinion IN A DEMOCRACY!

“Oh, he’s a flip-flopper! He… listens… to the people he… works for… then he tries to… do… what they want…. That’s not the way things are supposed to be, is it?”

Memo to politicians. As an elected official, YOU WORK FOR US! And we are a fickle, fickle bunch. So you’d better be flexible and you’d better start flopping!
We forget that we’re the bosses in America. The corporations don’t forget that. But the people do. We, the unwashed are SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE!

An election is like a job interview and the American people are doing the interviewing. And when you’re interviewing for a job, the answer to everything is “Yes sir!”
Don’t start the interview by listing the things you won’t do:
“I don’t believe that government should be the solution.” Try telling the folks at McDonalds that you don’t believe in fast food. See if that puts you on the fast track to management.
“I think the free market works better than government.” Try telling Burger King, “I think the tables will bus themselves…”
“My philosophy of government doesn’t allow me to take that position.”
Yes, and my philosophy of breakfast doesn’t include ham and egg burritos, but you shouldn’t tell that to the folks at Taco Bell. It upsets them.

I’m so tired of “Government shouldn’t do this” and “Government shouldn’t do that.” I got news for you. This is a democracy. Government can and will do whatever we goddamned want it to!

Stop having opinions and philosophies of government. We don’t pay you to have opinions. If we got paid to have opinions in this country, I’d be a fucking millionaire. You’re not in office to espouse your opinions; you’re in office to carry out our whims!

No. We the people want an employee, not a bunch of crazy opinions. Start acting like a boot-licking toadie if you want my vote.

Oh, and you’d better kiss some babies. Why? Because babies have fat cheeks and we want to know if you’re good at kissing fat cheeks. We just may have some more fat cheeks you’re gonna need to be kissing. Do you get what I’m saying? Thank you.

Power to the people!
Winlar out.

Socialize This!

2008-08-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

Hey! Sorry to not have blogged for so long, but I've been on vacation, and working on (drumroll please...)

MY NEW SHOW!!

Winlar '08: Making Things Worse!

September 12th, 13th and 19th at the Famous Jewel Box Theater in the Rendezvous Bar and Restaurant! 8pm! (Still amazingly just 10 bucks!)

Mark your calendars!

And as a little teaser, here's a little snippet that I'm working on for the show Enjoy!

Here’s a complaint I get sometimes. “You’re a Communist! Like Hitler!”

Man, that hurts. Did you get that GED from Harvard?

It really bothers me that whenever Democrats suggest anything to even slow capitalist greed down they call Democrats “Socialists.” Hmm… So Socialists receive millions of dollars in campaign contributions from huge corporations? Is that what they’re about?

The whole thing is ridiculous, because Socialism means that the government would actually ever have some kind of power, and I don't see either party recognizing that...

What is anybody even talking about socializing? We can’t even socialize health care, and that’s been proven to WORK!

But this got me to thinking that perhaps there are some industries out there that we should take a long look at nationalizing. Some that, quite frankly, need some federal help. So, without further ado, a quick list of some industries the government couldn’t possibly run any worse than they are being run right now:

Cable TV. Does anyone here have the Comcast DVR? Tell me that even the least effectual government bureaucrat could not improve on that unadulterated piece of shit. Fast forwards for 5 seconds, and then it just freezes. The thing makes ColecoVision look like a supercomputer

Honestly, the cable companies are sucky monopolies anyway so making them a government monopoly couldn’t possibly be much worse. They have it coming. It’s a done deal. Cable companies, we’re nationalizing you tomorrow. Sometime between noon and six pm. Be there.

Sports: Um, last time I checked, we’re building all the stadiums anyway… You keep hearing sports franchises saying things like this: (This is based on a true story, perhaps you’ve heard it?) “I just bought this franchise for 350 million dollars, and now you have to build a 500 million dollar facility, or we’re leaving!”

So an easy solution, why don’t we just pay the 350 million and buy the team ourselves and then spend the extra $150 mil on free beer?

Clay Bennett, may he rot in hell and by that I mean, “may he rot in hell TODAY, wouldn’t be anything more than a rich asshole. (As opposed to a rich asshole with my fucking team. Yes. I'm still bitter.)

The Post Office: Imagine a utopia where the government controlled the mail and a letter sent easily and efficiently from doorstep to doorstep anywhere in the country for but 40 cents. What an idealistic dream that would be… Oh wait, skip that one.

A State-run Ministry of Propaganda: You know, to give glowing, biased accounts of what great things the current administration is doing… Oh wait, that’s already outsourced to Fox news. That one’s done.

Energy: This would be a big reversal. I know we’re used to the energy industry running the government, but we should take a turn running it for a change. Sounds like a fair trade.

Um, the oil is under OUR country. Um, it is sort of the linchpin of the entire economy. Perhaps we should have at least some government control?

Maybe the feds couldn’t do better than $4.25 a gallon, but I’d rather get sodomized by someone I can vote out of office rather than have no say whatsoever as to the price of gas. Plus, in the future when we go to war for oil, this cuts out the middleman!

And speaking of getting sodomized, that leads me to:

Pornography: State run porn! It's the best idea I have ever had! We already had a preview of this with the Starr Commission report.

This could be a moneymaker! I have it all figured out. C-SPAN 4! Sexual Congress!

Starring Eliot Spitzer. Larry Craig, Mark Foley. Now they’re earning their congressional salaries!

Think of the marriages it could save:

“Are you downloading porn, you sicko?”

“No hon, just seeing who to vote for… Man, I’m such a good citizen!"

Sure, keep government out of a woman's uterus, but there are some other parts that I'm comfortable with it touching...

“Introducing Bill HR 1423 sub clause five: campaign finance reform. The vote for cloture will now begin… (Cue the bad Jazz-funk fusion music) Boump bit di boum boum…” Everybody wins with this scenario!

Just a few suggestions. Feel free to comment and suggest some of your own!

Until next week,

--winlar

NBA fans! Watch your back

2008-07-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry to go on with another basketball blog, but David Stern just sold out every NBA fan in the entire country while destroying 41 years of professional basketball history in Seattle and there are a few things I don’t see anyone else documenting, so I feel the need to point them out. Back to the dirty songs in a couple weeks, I promise…

NBA fans nationwide, a warning! What just happened here in Seattle should serve as a cautionary tale to all of you. Watch your back. The ice that the relationship between your city and the Association was happily skating on just got a whole lot thinner. Here’s why what happened in Seattle is almost guaranteed to happen in your city:

To recap the Seattle situation, Stern and the NBA basically came down to having two options: One, go through many hoops (pardon the basketball pun) lose a lot of money and move the team to a smaller market, shedding it’s history and destroying its fan base in the process. Or Two: expand the league by one team, make the fans of two cities, the players union, sportswriters and countless others extremely happy. None other than Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer was willing to pay for it and most of the stadium remodel as well. Stern and the league fought hard for option number one. Why?

With option one, OKC basically got an expansion team from the deal anyway. It didn’t get the history, titles or banners. (Who would want them anyway? Who puts up trophies in their house that they didn’t win?) So why not just create an expansion team? Put it either in OKC, or if Bennett really wants to keep Kevin Durant and the like, put it in Seattle and call them the Sonics. Seattle had an ownership group ready to go with none other than Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer involved, one of the richest, most powerful men in the world. Why not have him on board?

Under scenario two NBA fans would have had a whole new team to root for, owners would have received expansion fees, and Microsoft would now be a full-time partner. What’s not to love about this?

Everyone loved scenario two except David Stern and the owners. And here’s why: NBA teams lose money. Despite blackmailing the cities they play in every few years for tax breaks and new stadiums, the owners of this league have a broken model that doesn’t make individual teams profitable, or at least as profitable as they’d like. And yet the owners still turn a profit on their investments. All of it through resale value. That’s what the whole ungodly mess in Seattle was really all about. The resale value of NBA franchises.

What gives these money-losing businesses value? Rarity. The fact that there are only 30 of them and that they give extremely wealthy people status. Despite being money-losers constantly dependent on government handouts, the fact that there are only 30 NBA teams and more than 30 billionaires who want them makes them constantly spiral upwards in value. Expansion makes great sense for fans and for the players but it doesn’t make money for the already very wealthy owners. So presented this choice, Stern naturally chose the owners. To a stock speculator, all that matters is the price of the stock. The employees? The product? The quality? None of that matters if the stock can’t be resold for significantly more than it was purchased for.

So why does the NBA not want Steve Ballmer? Because the THREAT of Steve Ballmer is more powerful. The threat of Steve Ballmer wanting to buy a team and move it back to Seattle immediately increases the value of every existing franchise. The threat of Steve Ballmer moving your team makes it that much easier to extort the local citizenry for tax handouts, leases, and stadiums. Steve Ballmer and his friends have the money to buy the Celtics or Lakers. Nobody is safe. No wonder the NBA gladly paid 75 million to buy off Seattle for a few years. They just made all 30 teams worth ten million dollars more.

Stern has just set a precedent that no team is secure in its current location and that he will go to incredible lengths, including outright lying and slander towards a city and its fan base to wrest a team from one place to another. And now he has Microsoft money as his bogeyman. “Hey New Orleans! Like Chris Paul? Yeah, Ballmer likes him too. Best do what we say.” “Hey, Memphis, Sacramento, Charlotte and all you small markets. Sure your teams are sub-standard, but you’d better pay some big market prices, because big bad Steve Ballmer is out there and those Seattle fans showed they can carry a franchise for 41 years! We want fountains flowing Krystall in the locker rooms. Can you swing that? I’m sure Ballmer wouldn’t have a problem with it. Hmm…”

So remember NBA fans, of which I no longer can really say I am still one. Your loyalty, season ticket purchases, cheers, longsuffering… make sure they increase the resale value of your “franchise.” Because David Stern has just positioned it so that the wolf is always at your door. The NBA cares. Fan-tastic!

Sonics leaving. A plan of action and revenge.

2008-07-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

OK. So the Sonics are leaving. I’ve been trying to put into words how hurt and angry and horrified I am, as a sports fan, Sonics fan, and citizen of the United States of America but it’s just not coming out right, so it’s going to turn into some random angry thoughts:

First off, let’s stop blaming our local leaders. Yeah, they didn’t do much, but what could they do? What could any of us do? We’re just citizens of the United States of America. We traded in any actual power we may have had as CITIZENS during the Reagan Administration so that we could become CONSUMERS instead. And as consumers with, well, no money, turns out we don’t really have any power at all. Yeah. Good trade.

So don’t blame our state and local elected officials. Let’s blame Clay (Asshole) Bennett and David (Fucking) Stern. They’re the corporate lackies who forced this to where it is, they’re the carpetbaggers who stole a piece of our history and culture, and they’re the ones who have turned the NBA from something special into a not-so-profitable business.

Now we’ve blamed the right people. And once you’ve blamed the right people, what do we as good Americans do? No! We don’t invade Iraq. Stop that. We get Payback! Payback against the RIGHT people. Clay Asshole Bennett and David Fucking Stern.

Here’s how we gets us some good old fashioned-Mel-Gibson-Passion-of-the-Christ Payback!

First, David Fucking Stern and Clay Asshole Bennett are not allowed in our State ever again. I don’t know how to legally do this, but I’m sure there’s a way. We have the greatest state in the world. The west coast of Western Civilization. What do you do when a spouse leaves you, then insists on hanging around? You get a restraining order. Sorry Clay (Asshole) you will never get to see the sun set over Puget Sound or rise over Mt. Rainier, except maybe on YouTube.

Second, Let’s bring them down. Patty Murray, Maria Cantwell are you listening? It’s time for congressional inquiries into the NBA. Seriously. Do you know how sports teams make their money? The public teat. All of them. OK, fine, I’m for a little help to certain industries from government, but this jerking around of cities and pitting them against each other has got to stop. The value of these teams keep getting inflated by government hand-outs in the form of stadiums, luxury boxes and tax breaks, and that has to end. These swindling owners can’t claim to be "public institutions" and "just plain 'ol businesses" at the same time. Let’s get Congress to gut this sham.

Third, speaking of Congress, let’s nationalize the oil industry. You know how people keep accusing Democrats of being socialists but what do we ever even try to socialize? Health Care sort of, but not even that really. So fuck it. You wanna call us socialists? Howzabout we socialize the American Oil Industry? All energy in fact. Would there be a downside? Probably. But upsides? One: We probably wouldn’t be in the stupid war to privatize Iraq’s oil we’ve been in. Two: Income tax would be lessened by all the money we could make off the oil under OUR country’s land that we right now pay guys like Clay Asshole Bennett to take out of the ground for us, and Three: We could VOTE on the price of gas instead of being told to just bend over and take it by Four: people in the industry like Clay Asshole Bennett so that he can turn around and spend it buying our sports teams and moving them just because he was born with such a ridiculously small penis.

Fourth, Sir Mix-a-lot, your city needs you! Times like this call for devastating ridicule through rap! Hey, you know what? Clay Asshole Bennett and David Fucking Stern both have big butts and I can not lie! Start with that and run with it baby! I know you’ll make us proud!

Fifth, Let’s sleep around. OK. So this was like a marriage, and someone stole our wife. They lied about us to do it, kicked our name around and it got ugly, like, well a divorce. So what do you do in such a scenario? Right! Whore yourself to everyone in town. Show them what they’re missing. Yoo hoo! NHL! Can we have a team? We got 45 mill from our ex and we just wanna spend it all on you! MLS? Indoor Lacrosse? Oh yeah! You know Seattle’s hot to trot! In fact the best thing would be to bring back the ABA, which will be like sleeping with the NBA’s brother. Will we regret it? Oh yes, probably. Especially when we wake up one morning with an Arena Football team we have to cook an impromptu omelet for. But the main thing is that it will HURT Clay Asshole Bennett and David Fucking Stern. Every cheer we send up, every ticket we buy, every World Team Tennis Novelty Foam finger we buy, we’ll be letting them know what they could have had and they no longer get.

And that’s the way we get over this. We don't get over this. This is a soulless awful, shortsighted corporate idiotic move that makes no sense to anyone. Score it like this:

Seattle loses 41 years of History, loyalty, civic pride, and cheers.
OKC gains a business, a glorified expansion team, and a rich man's toy.
David Stern gains the ability to continue to blackmail local governments, the only way his poorly structured corporation can make money.
NBA fans lose rivalries, security, and the illusion that fans matter.

Sorry to just incoherently rant this week, but I'm stunned into incoherence but this incoherent move. Now if anyone needs me, I'll be getting drunk.

Dick

2008-06-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

Well, here's my second blog of the week, and it's appropriate with the Sonic's trial ending today that some of the amended lyrics involve our friend Clay Bennett. Enjoy.

Dick

by Winlar + GT

The Sign there on the freeway

Says soon the left lane ends

So you should merge right over

But no, not you my friend!

You cruise past everybody

Then cut back in real quick

Because you deserve to cut in line

Cuz’ you’re a dick dick dick dick dick dick dick

You’re a dick dick dick dick dick dick dick.

You went and pulled me over

For an extra mile an hour or two

That’s how you save humanity

You shining knight in blue!

You could give me a warning

And not write up the tick-et

But we know that won’t happen because you…..

You’re a dick dick dick dick dick dick dick

Bridge:

It’s self-important folks like you

Who make society work

So what if other people think

You’re a big dumb fucking jerk?

You just keep looking out for number one

The way you always do

That’s right Tim Eyman, I’m talkin’ to you….

You dick dick dick dick dick dick dick

You think the national anthem

Is the white folks property

And singin' it in Mexican

Makes you all vomity

It's an insult to your heritage
An outrage and a ploy

Yeah, you're a credit to your race there

European boy!

You racist Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick

You used your wealth and power

To pass upper class tax cuts

Yeah that’s just what this country needs!

No ifs ands or buts

Don’t mind it leaves our children

With a big ol’ deficit

What matters is you’re looking out for you…

Republican dick dick dick dick dick dick dick

You dick dick dick dick dick dick dick

Bridge 2:

Thanks for acting only out of self-interest and greed

Leaving messes to clean up for all us non-dickweeds

You know that you are number one and we’re all number two

Cheney, Rumsfeld, Boenner, Bush, Alito, Roberts, Frist, Delay,We're talkin’ to you

dick dick dick dick dick dick dick

Well you wanna move our Sonics
Down to Oklahoma City

But first you'll hold the town for ransom

No, that isn't shitty

Just take away our passion

And our loyalty and cheers

You don't owe us a damned thing after

Forty fuckin' years!\

Clay Bennett's a dick dick dick dick dick dick dick

A lullabye

2008-06-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

Hey, I know, I missed my blog last week, so I'm going to try to pick up and put two on this week. But if you're really starving for some Winlar, check out www.reverbnation.com/winlar and you can listen to Winlar MP3's and become a "fan."

Anyway, an oldie but a goodie this week. Enjoy.

Hungover in Heaven

2008-06-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

Hung Over in Heaven
By Winlar + GT
2007
winlar@winlar.net

Asus D
I been after you girl for so long now
Asus D
And last night I got you, still not sure how
G D
I know we went out and we had a few drinks
A
And what happened next, well I just can’t think

But now I’ve awakened and right here you are
Still smelling a bit like the floor of the bar
I see that we’ve slept in ‘til well past eleven
A (then tacit)
It’s like I’m hung-over in heaven

I’ve dreamed of this night, and of this morning
I wasn’t prepared though as my only warning
Was when you were dancing to show off your charms
And fell off of the table and into my arms

Then we staggered up my stairs and down the hall
Driven by love, fate, and grain alcohol
Hearts heads and stomachs so furiously revvin’
It’s like I’m hung-over in heaven

(Bridge)
G D
If there’d been other bars not just yet closed
G D
Then maybe to my place you were not disposed
G D
I’d tried so before, but was always rebuked
A
Then you let me hold your hair back while you puked (Ahhhh)

Asus D
And finally you came to me that perfect night
Asus D
You got my name wrong but the rest was so right
G D
Why baby why d’you keep calling me “Kevin?”
A
It’s like I’m hung-over in heaven

So baby, let’s just lie in bed all the day
Now that you’ve finally proof I’m not gay
I’ll make you breakfast, an omelet and bacon
As my little thank you for love we’ve been makin’

Let’s stay here at my place, away from other men
And drink, baby, drink ‘til you love me again
Straight shots to our hearts. About 27
Let’s not get sober in heaven

Why Obama Won

2008-06-05T21:21:00.002-07:00

So, Barack Obama is our nominee. How did this happen? Can it be explained? Pundits will be discussing this one for a long time or at least until Brittany goes clubbing without panties again. So I thought I’d toss in my two-cents, which may not be well founded, or well explained, or by any standards grammatically correct but they have the advantage of being right.

Here’s what it boils down to:

The reason Obama won?

Obama has It.

That simple.

Don’t ask me to tell you what It is, because obviously if I could call it anything else I wouldn’t have to call it It, but Barack has It. Napoleon had It. FDR had It. JFK had It. Hell, Bill Clinton had It. Barack’s got it too and by it I mean It. You just watch him and you know. He was either born with, inherited, bought, or was infected by It, whatever, but It’s all over him. It the man has.

Hillary, on the other hand, does not have It. I’m sorry. She has a lot of things but she doesn’t have It. She didn’t have It in Iowa, she doesn’t have It now. She’s been desperately trying to get It, or at least rent It for a while, but she ain’t got It, and I doubt she’ll ever have It.

What she has is much more like Anti-It. She has negative It. She sucks the It out of other people. That’s how she’s stayed in the race so long. She’s been sucking the It out of Obama and that’s kept him from overwhelming us with his
Itness. She’s become an It sucking machine. It was a good strategy, but in the end, Obama just had more It than she could neutralize. Basic It physics.

That’s why she and Bill have a good marriage. (I know, you just spat out your drink reading that, but let me explain.) He’s got It, she’s got Anti-It and they thus form an It symbiosis. Perhaps the It and the Anti-It meet and annihilate each other like matter and anti-matter giving the couple a warp-drive like energy which has fueled their political ambitions to these lofty heights at speeds faster than light. I don’t know. We’re in the realm of pure speculation here and to attempt to fathom it further I’d need another six-pack.

Most political races boil down to just that. It versus Anti-It and It usually wins, at least in this political universe under these gravitational laws. That’s too bad for Hillary on this one, but great news for an It starved nation.

So will Obama win in November? Well, suffice it to say that John McCain can’t even spell It. He couldn’t hit It if It were water and he fell out of a boat. He probably doesn’t even know that there’s such a thing as It. He avoids It as if he were playing a game of tag. Etcetera, etcetera.

So yes, I’m feeling pretty good about this election campaign.

Viva la It.

--Winlar

2008-06-05T21:21:00.001-07:00

Not as Think as you Drunk I am

2008-05-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

It’s been a wonderful party
And now things are windin’ down
But I can see what you’re up to gal
Yeah I’m a been who’s guyed around

You think I’m just a little slit boshed
And you can have your way with me!!
But I got a surprise for you there babe
As you shall soon see

(Chorus)

I’m not as think as you drunk I am
I ain’t beer that much had
I can still straight up tall and stand
No, I ain’t tooin’ do bad!
I’m still thinking bell as a clear
I’m just as tack as a sharp my dear.
So don’t you natronprize me there ma’am
I’m not as think as you drunk I am

(Bridge)
I’m not so confused
It’s all a clever ruse
And since I can’t seem to keys my place
Why don’t we make out?
You’ll see it’s just a fake-out
I ain’t even close to fit-shaced.

I know you’re getting all worked up
Listnin’ to my silophosie
You’re thinking, “man, he can hold his liquor
Gosh I wish he was holding me!”
How can a man put ‘em back like I do
And not get remotely ripped
I can drink all the booze I want
If I just take tiny sips

(Chorus)

(Bridge 2)
Oh, I may speak queerly
But I can see clearly
Through my whatsome intoxicated eyes
Please don’t demean this
I really really mean this
When I say I really love you guys.
No. No. I REALLY love you guys
NO! I REALLY LOVE YOU GUYS!

I’ve seen the way that I look at you
Your eyes literally shout it
You think that I’m in the state I’m in
And you might do someone adoubt it
You think I’m she treats to the wind
And tonight just might be your night
Well I got sad news for you there babe!
…you’re probably right…

(Yeah, you’re probably right…)

(Chorus)

I gotta few brain cells too many....

2008-05-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

This week's song seems apropos, as a comment on Hillary's assault on mathematics. The Clinton campaign's "We've received more popular votes" nonsense is an affront to common sense and clear thinking everywhere. Hillary, you know we love you, but the fact is that Obama is ahead by half a million votes. Check out this very informative link:
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2008/president/democratic_vote_count.html\
(Please forward that link to everyone you know in the interest in getting the unspun truth out.)

To keep repeating this obviously fraudulent claim goes well beyond spin and into blatant outright lie territory. Worse is that members of the mainstream media have picked up on it, and keep repeating this fabrication of logic. Shame shame shame.

As a Washingtonian, what galls me most is that with her slanted statistics Hillary not only throws out my state's unpublished caucus results, but also doesn't count our somewhat pointless but still official state primary! Obama beat her ass two times up here on the west coast of western civilization yet she chooses to ignore both in her anti-logic. She's ignoring the voters of my state TWICE!

Here's a thought. You say you're fit to be president? Well start ACTING PRESIDENTIAL for crying out loud. Presidents need to level with the public, shouldn't try to make lies true by repeating them, and can't change the laws of arithmetic when it's convenient. No wonder you're losing among the college educated and those who have the unfortunate habit of "paying attention."

So anyway, it hurts my educated brain. So here's a song about that:

Few Brain Cells Too Many
By Winlar + GT
2008
winlar@winlar.net

I’ve been trying to follow politics, and it just hurts my head
It fills me with confusion, migraines, angst and fear and dread
When I try to get my head around what's happenin' it hurts me
So I went to see a doctor, who came up with a remedy

He said what I got goin' wrong up there, what’s making me morose
Is unlike the average American, I'm followin' things too close
It’s not whatI don’t understand it’s that I understand too well
And that’s caused by these growths in my skull-ular region that the medicos call “brain cells”

So he gave me an easy prescription that I’m quite anxious to try
I got a few brain cells too many. I gotta make them go bye bye!

The doc could tell me right away, why politics make me hurl
I got an NPR type mind you see, and it’s an MTV type world
And that's why I'm not gettin' this thing called "Democracy"
It's being run by folks who watch reality TV

VH1 and C-SPAN both make more sense when you’re high
Got a few brain cells too many, gotta make them go bye-bye

Bridge

Now, The preferred way to kill brain cells is banging your head on the wall
Or just watch the State of the Union Address, and that should pretty much take care of them all
But I’ve got a plan that’s much more fun, and just might work a little quicker
Those brain cells think that they’re so smart, let’s see if they can handle their liquor!

Let’s see if they can stand up to the whiskey and the rye
Got a few brain cells too many.
Gotta make them go bye bye

And now I'm fittin' right in, I'm following everything to the letter
Sure the country and my liver may be going to hell, but my attitude couldn't be better
Now, me and the American public, we got but three brain cells between us
What else explains a land where Karl Rove is considered a genius?

It’s time for my medication, so here’s mud in yer’ eye
I got a few brain cells too many, I’m gonna make them go bye-bye!

Tater Tots

2008-05-19T10:09:00.001-07:00

Girl you left me
Made me blue
I cried all the way through the drive-thru
And at the window
Destiny
A reminder how things could be
Golden brown
Cylindrical
Potato magic so wonderful
They came to me
Sizzling hot
Just like sex with you was not
(I had perspective on our relationship. And it goes something like this.)

(Chorus)
Girl you’re hot
I liked you quite a lot
But what you’re not
Is Tater tots
(Repeat)

Potato pieces
chopped up fine
And then rejoined a second time
Held together
By mystery
The way that love’s supposed to be
A magic bond
Thicker than blood
Between reconstituted spuds
Proof that our love
Was a lie
Inside a Taco time mexi-fry
(Girl, a fast-food side dish taught me more about love than you ever could)
(Chorus)

(Bridge)
Tater tots
From Taco time
Were once coated with spice and lime
But slowly as
Things came about
The spicy seasoning was fazed out
Much like immigrants
From Mexico
Often let their cultures go
In efforts to
Assimilate
Into these United States
(It’s very sad, this particular metaphor, but it is undeniable that tater tots and the American dream are quite delicious.)
(Chorus)

So girl we had
A lot of fun
But the tots tell me we’re done
They make feel
Comparatively great
When juxtaposed with our many dates
A simple tuber
Rightly fried
Can make me feel just as good inside
And here’s the really
Bitter part
I think they’re better for my heart
(Sorry Girl, the tots have spoken)

(Chorus)

What’s that girl? You want me back? Sorry girl, that ship has flown. Girl, you smell good. What’s that behind your back? Girl? Is that two large orders of TacoTime mexi-fries? One for you, and one for me? What? One and a half for me, and a half for you? Oh, you’re on a diet. Huh. Girl, I think I may just give you a second chance…

Girl I thought
I’d give you another shot
Because you brought
Some tater tots
(Repeat)

Nicotine Penis

2008-05-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

I keep breaking up with you, boy
Can’t stand you one bit, but you’re so hard to quit
Each time we break up, yeah, it’s a safe bet
You’ll be back in my mouth like a cheap cigarette

Chorus:
Seems nothing can come between us
‘Cause you’ve got a nicotine penis
Each time I’m with you it leaves me so sad
Foul taste in my mouth and my breath it smells bad

But all of my plans to leave you Jack-o
They go up in smoke like so much tobacco
I try to stay away, I try to not date
But I get real, real cranky and gain lots of weight

(Chorus)

Bridge:
I’ve got to find another way
I’m into you three packs a day
This has gone way too far
After all a cigar is just a cigar
Just a cigar…

Even though you’re no great romancer
Your love eats away at my heart like a cancer
I’m like a victim in some sad fable
Love ought to come with a warning label

(Chorus)

So it’s no use, from good sense I’m evicted
Come to me, baby, I’m full on addicted
I’m all yours baby, please do not shun me
Take me away to flavor country

(Chorus)

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

Just Lay There

2008-04-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

Go Ahead and Just Lay There 4.0
By Winlar™ + GT
©2008
winlar@winlar.net

G,D,C, G,G,
When I hear guys talk about their wives, it takes me aback
Expecting so much all day, and then fireworks in the sack
But we have a partnership hon, when push comes to shove
And there’s more to a marriage than just epic-mind-blowing love
Because all the things you do by day shine like a beacon
You know there’s no need for you by night to get your freak on

I’m not like other men love,
I know how to play fair
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there

When we lay together, do you know what makes me giddy?
Just thinkin’ bout how well you help clothe and feed our kiddies
So tonight I don’t need to see your sex skills blossom
And oh, I’ve got an appointment at seven tomorrow, so could you set the alarm, that’d be awesome.

We take care of business
That’s why we’re a great pair
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there

(Bridge 1)
D C
You don’t need to go down
G D
You don’t need to lube
D C G D
You don’t need to do any of those cool things I saw on YouTube
You don’t need to dress up
You don’t need to fuss D
You don’t need to invite over some of your friends who might be curious
G
Don’t sweat the boudoir baby
You don’t earn your pay there
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there

So don’t sweat the fact that we don’t always make the bed creaky
I’ll look on the Internet if I really want to get freaky
Don’t fret the acrobatics and all that shaken your fanny
If I want superfluous stuff like that, there’s always the nanny

I’m so glad we hired
That college-aged Au pair
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there.

The Age of Paranoia

2008-04-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

OK, so I’m going to the Mariner’s game the other night, and I get stopped at security to look through my bag, and they won’t let me in because I had, as a key chain, a small Swiss army knife. I should have remembered that we are living in the Age of Paranoia, and that such small potentially pokey things are a no-no for sporting events, but come on. This is a Swiss Army Knife! It’s not a weapon. Even members of the Swiss Army don’t use them as weapons. Honestly, I think one of the gadgets on thing is a white flag. This particular Swiss army knife couldn’t cut butter. Yet they made me walk all the way back to my car, or throw it away. I walked, in a huff.

So I was preparing a scathing blog about how ridiculous stadium security is nowadays. (That’ll show ‘em!) I mean what’s more likely, getting stabbed to death with an implement better designed to open bottles of pinot grigio than combat, or being beaned by a 120mph line drive foul ball? -This being a baseball game I was banned from after all- I had a whole list of other things that are allowed into stadiums which are much more dangerous. (For instance: They allowed me to enter with a pen and paper on which I can write dangerous things like, “If someone won’t let you into a ball game because of your Swiss Army Knife, choke the living S*** out of them.”) Oh, it was going to be a devastating critique of the fearful, ridiculous, terrorist loathing times we live in and the lengths we go to for the artifice of safety, all of it premised by the fact that, come on, nobody’s ever been killed with a Swiss Army knife, at least nobody that you’ve ever heard of.

Then, at the last second, just to be on the safe side, I googled “Killed by a Swiss Army Knife” and what should turn up? Mark Fuhrman’s book on the OJ Simpson case! Fuhrman speculates that the murder weapon wasn’t OJ’s hunting knife, but rather a Swiss Army Knife for which he'd found a box, but never the actual weapon. (Perhaps it was OJ’s key chain?) And with that, my blog premise was blown, and the devastating jokes therein ruined.

So I suppose I must concede this one to you, stadium security personnel. Your paranoia is justified. How can you know that I’m not a violence-prone former athlete and car rental agency spokesman? I guess my little combo bottle-opener, tweezers and toothpick could indeed be used lethally and treating me like a terrorist is perhaps the right thing to do.

But wouldn’t it just be easier to keep OJ out of the ballpark?

We Will Survive!

2008-04-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try to have two posts this week, so do check back. But here's a little song from my last show with a nice message of hope after 7.5 years of misery.

Oh, and here are the lyrics:

First you got us scared, we were petrified
We thought that you would never lose with Karl Rove by your side
We spent so many nights thinking Democracy'd gone wrong
But we grew strong
Why can’t we all just get along?
We’re coming back
From your disgrace
No longer will we have to view that brain-dead look upon your face
We should have impeached your stupid cock
We should have kicked you out with glee
If only for your most disastrous
Foreign policy

Don’t get your ass
Hit by the door
You’re approval rating’s 30
No one’s listening anymore
You killed Al Gore and John Kerry with your lies
And politicized the memory
Of 4000 lost GI’s
Yet even so
We will survive
We’ve a thirst for liberty stronger than Bill Clinton’s sex drive
You say history will forgive
All your failed initiatives
What are you high?
But we’ll survive

(Ukulele solo!)

I’m surprised the bill of rights didn’t fall apart
As you built an empire like some two-bit Bonaparte
No more election nights
Feeling sorry for ourselves
You made Hillary cry!
But we didn’t lay down and die
Soon we’ll elect
Somebody new
Hell it may be a three-toed sloth
But that’d be better than you
And maybe we’ll get back our rights to free speech and privacy
And just maybe, once again we will be a democracy

Go USA
We will Survive
Oh I think from now on we’ll be the ones doin' the decidin'
We’re gonna get back a little thing called national pride
We’ll survive. Oh we’ll survive. USA!

The Rich Get Richer

2008-04-17T16:16:00.000-07:00

I was planning on writing a whole thing this week, but I have a gig this Friday and that got time consuming, so instead here's another snippet from the show. Enjoy!

The Rich Get Richer
By Winlar and GT
2008
winlar@winlar.net

They say that in this life
There’s two guarantees
Death and Taxes
Everyone agrees
But two other things
To me seem more certain
Than paying dues to government
And drawing that final curtain
Death and taxes no, Two things have much more certitude
The rich get richer
And we get screwed

I called up my congressmen
Told him what I’d learned
Said I don’t mind the rich getting rich
But the second part has me concerned
He said don’t worry, he’s got just the solution
And that he’d get right on that if I gave him a contribution…
Here’s where I think you’d like to sing along with me too
The rich get richer…

In the eyes of congress
Two types of folks exist
Nobody, and those who can afford a lobbyist
If the poor have things so bad
Goes their summation
Why don’t they use their wealth, influence, and power
To change their situation?

I complained to the networks
Of beefs I had a litany
They said they’d get right to them
Once they’re done discussing Brittany
If you ain’t rich or pretty
The press will not heed ya’
That’s really weird, since
Liberals like me control the media
Here’s a little headline you won’t hear on cable news?
The Rich Get richer…

They tell me that it’s good for me this big supply-side con
But I don’t see much trickling down, I’m getting trickled on
A rising tide lifts all ships and will keep us afloat
Well that would give me solace
if I could afford a fucking boat!

Yet I’m still maybe thinkin’
Maybe It’s kinda strange
Maybe just maybe
Maybe all this can change
Maybe we’ll rise up and address the situation
Maybe we’ll reform things
Maybe we’ll change this nation
Maybe we’ll shake things up
Maybe who knows what?
And maybe flying pigs will just start rocketing out my butt
And you wonder why I have such attitude?
The rich get richer, and we get screwed

I Fell in Love with a Lesbian Again

2008-04-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

By popular demand, a classic.

Which One's Next?

2008-04-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

Mark Foley, then Ted Haggard
Now Idaho’s Larry Craig
It’s hard to tell some conservatives from
Dogs humping your leg
It’s such a nasty party
With so darn much back stabbin’
I wonder what all’s goin’ on
Behind the doors of their log cabin?

Oh,
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Which one’s gonna end his career in a most embarrassing way?
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Come on folks, it’s time to play
Which republican’s next to be gay?

Will Tom Delay
Be found out gay?
That would cause derision
A whisper campaign
Says it’s John McCain
He was in that Vietnamese prison

Does Thompson, Fred
Give strange men head
In an airport bathroom stall?
Who’s in the sack
With Sam Brownback?
That name just says it all

Chorus

If it’s Huckabee
That’d be irony
He’s so against gays marryin’
I could see Ron Paul
In a free for all
He’s very libertarian!

Gingrich, Newt
Thinks boys are cute
He’s just a big old bear
Romney, Mitt
Does nasty shit
In his Mormon underwear

Chorus

I think all their gay bashing
Gets them worked up as hell
Perhaps the party’s motto
Oughtta be don’t ask don’t tell
Those red state togs and colors
And all those who don ‘em
You really never know these days
So don’t turn your back on ‘em!

Giuliani
Hides the salami
With several foreign powers
Mr. Nine-eleven
Just gets revvin’
Thinkin' 'bout twin towers

Orrin Hatch
Would outlaw snatch
If he could get a quorum
And he doesn’t crave dick
As bad as Rick
“My name means lube” Santorum

Chorus

Such girly men
All of them
In that tent they keep so small
This ain’t too nice
But Condy Rice
Is the manliest of them all

All of them this year
Seem very queer
When shove comes down to push
I think they’re all gay
Look at the way
They’re staying away from Bush!

Chorus

A Cautionary Song

2008-03-26T17:53:00.000-07:00

A Cautionary Song
by Winlar

As you go through your life my son,
Some things you shouldn’t do
Remember this advice my love
You’ll always find it true
Don’t ever lie or steal or cheat
Don’t be late for work
Don’t be slothful, Don’t be vengeful
Don’t act like a jerk
Don’t forget to look out for those folks who have the least
And don’t get stuck intractably
In two-thousand year religious wars
In the Middle East

Don’t forget your table manners Do not slurp your stew
Don’t forget to comport yourself, like you’ve got a frickin’ clue
Don’t eat at the table like swine feed at the pig-trough
And don’t fight a two front war, even Hitler couldn’t pull that shit off
Remember this and you will be the hit at every feast
And don’t get stuck intractably
In two-thousand year religious wars
in the Middle East

(Bridge)
Make sure you’re kind to everyone Make sure you always share
Make sure you never leave the house without clean underwear
Make sure to keep things tidy, if you can’t keep them immaculate
And make damned sure your WMD intel is accurate.
(Modulate)
Don’t look in the mouth when you get a new gift horse
Don’t try to form democracies with Military force
Don’t speak until your spoken don’t let good sense go astray
And land wars in Asia. Everyone knows that cliché’

But if you heed just one thing
Let me say last, but not least
Don’t get stuck intractably
In two-thousand year old religious wars
in the Middle East

Dumb ass

Curtain

Someone Impeach These Liars

2008-03-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who came out to my show this week. Here's the song that everyone is talking about. Lyrics provided below. Sing along!

Someone Impeach These Liars
By Winlar™
©2008
winlar@winlar.net

1.
Jessica Lynch, Abu grab
Brownie’s doin’ a hekva job
Homeless vets, National debt, Harriet Myers
Signing statements, Free speech zones
Wire tapping US phones
Black Box, Sam Fox
US attorneys fired
Shredding all the torture tapes
Covering up Blackwater rapes
Yellow cake, turned out fake, Guantanamo
NSA’s call database
Cheney shooting someone’s face
Lincoln group, S’port our troops
Gonzalez, Alberto

Chorus
Someone impeach these liars!
The nation’s burning and my stomach’s churning
Someone impeach these liars
This is such a fright that we’ve just got to fight it.
2
Bin laden set to hit US
Covering up Pat Tillman’s death
Walter Reid, Corporate Greed, Patriot act
Medal of freedom rewarding
Ari Fleisher, waterboarding
Downing street, redact, delete
No bid contracts
Energy task force
Tax cuts for the rich of course
Swift boats, Florida vote, Giving Sunnis guns
Abstinence education
Bugs in the United Nations
Bush-Blair, Plame affair, Haliburton

Bridge
Bad Intel, Bechtel, Buffalo sleeper cells
Clear skies, Dubai, Habeus Corpus denied.
Smart bombs, Bagram, Tying Al Qaeda to Sadaam,
Global warming, SoCal scorchers
Torture torture torture torture

2.5
Condom-less AIDS prevention
Permanent detention
Bolton’s mustache, Achmed Chalabi
Smoking guns, push polls
Healthy forests, Clean coal
John McCain, Stealth campaign
WMDs.

Chorus

3
New Orleans, down the drain
While we fought Sadaam Hussein
Little fibbies, Scooter Libby, Milking Schiavo’s plight
Rumsfeld as our wartime planner
Mission accomplished banner
White lies, black sites
Trampling on the bill of rights
All that Jack Abramoff junk
George Tenet, slam dunk
Tom Delay, CIA, what else do I have to say?

Chorus

4.
Blew off nine-elev commission
Extraordin’ry rendition
Dirty Bombs, World Com, Kenny boy and Enron
Claiming that you talk to god and
Still haven’t found bin Laden?
Darfur, Pakistan
Forgotten war: Afghanistan
Increased Coal plant mercury
Order 13233
Bremmer walls, free for alls,
Lyndie England takes the fall
Misled us about Iran
Man this list goes on and on
Stole election from Al Gore, I can’t take it anymore!!

Someone impeach these liars
The nation’s burning and my stomach’s churning
Someone impeach these liars
Until they’re gone it will go on and on and on and on…

Reality Check

2008-03-11T10:36:00.001-07:00

Hey, this just in! A little snippet from my new show! Love, Politics and Love. Very well received this past weekend. (Thanks to all who came out!) One more weekend to come! March 14th and 15th at 8pm Jewel Box theater at the Rendezvous in Belltown. See you there!
--winlar

Love, Politics, and Love...

2008-02-28T14:37:00.000-08:00

Hey, sorry I haven't blogged lately, but here's why... A show! Next week!
Come out!

Winlar! Love, Politics… and Love
March 7th, 8th, 14th and 15th. 2008
8pm

In the heart of this political season, scene-stealing comic genius Winlar, former writer for Almost Live!, NPR's Rewind with Bill Radke and theater's Kazoo! sketch comedy group, skewers politics with his usual comic rants, hilarious songs and otherworldly strangeness. Come join him and special guests for an evening of fun, hilarity and permanently fixing American Politics as we know it.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kvctQadnRKk
Cover $: 10
The Jewel Box Theater in the Rendezvous Bar and Restaurant (21 and over only)
2322 2nd Ave
Belltown 441-5823

This will also serve as the long awaited DVD release party for the long-awaited DVD of Winlar's last show "Nothing Controversial: Just Religion, Politics and How to Raise Your Children." A steal at just 10 bucks!

Super Dooper Toosday!!

2008-02-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

OK. Since this is the first ever super DOOPER Tuesday primary, I thought I would give a running diary of how the evening is going, I don’t know how this is going to work. It’s gonna be a long night, and I plan on taking a lot of breaks.

Here we go.
4:37:45 PM
I’m going to start officially when the polls close a 5pm PST. (I’m on the west coast of western civilization here.) But I want to get some notes down on things that have gone on so far:

Huck won West Virginia, in a corrupt bargain that Henry Clay would be proud of. Romney nearly had the 50 percent of the caucus, but on the second round, the McCain cronies threw their votes to Huck and boned him. The Republican race was already pissy, now it just got unreal…

Obama won Georgia, and immediately someone chimed in that “it’s just because he’s black.” My god Is it any wonder that there hasn’t been a black president yet?” If you win, you had an advantage, if you lose, well, a black candidate can’t win can they? It’s maddening. They just keep unfairly moving the bar for this guy.

Oddly, we know that Obama will win with less than 2% of the precincts in.

5:28:24 PM
Well, I’m a bit late officially starting, but there haven’t been too many projections yet. Obama wins Illinois, duh, Hillary wins Oklahoma, (does anyone really win Oklahoma?) And let’s see, as I type this, with one second to go before Arkansas polls close, Hillary wins Arkansas. What if you were about to vote with 1 second left? Not very responsible CNN!

Huck wins Arkansas in a no-brainer. Huck’s having a good night. Might win Georgia, got West Virginia. Of course a good night for him is a bad night for Romney.

Romney did pick up that Republican bastion of Massachusetts.

5:32:39 PM
Wolf Blitzer projects Tennessee for Clinton. The graphic goes up in mid-sentence, and Wolf acts like he was choking on a sandwich.

5:34:21 PM
Bit of a lull now as David Gergen analyzes Hillary’s win in Tennessee, so I’ll tell you what I’m looking at right now.
I got two TV’s with CNN on one and MSNBC on the other. Will I watch some FOX as well tonight? We’ll see. It’s hard to work the remote and type at the same time and I do want to get information as opposed to radically biased, bought and paid for opinion. So we’ll be checking in on Fox infrequently.

I have to say, the amount of information in front of me is STAGGERING! Just one TV I think would be unreadable, and having two, which include the crawler at the bottom even during commercials, is completely overwhelming.

5:37:30 PM
Catching up here, I think McCain took Delaware He’s running the northeast with Connecticut too. Oh and New Jersey. Basically he’s winning states the Reps won’t get in the general election. Does that mean anything? I have no idea

5:39:38 PM
Wolf goes to a split screen with 15 pie charts at once. Aaaaaah! Too much! Plus every pie chart uses only shades of blue, or shades of red. I see an ADA lawsuit coming from colorblind people.

Also, in what has to be some kind of conspiracy, CNN has decided on light blue for Obama and dark blue for Clinton, while MSNBC has the exact opposite. This will be messing with my mind all night.

5:41:24 PM
Some predictions for the night: (I know, we may be halfway through, so predictions are a bit late, but since I’m likely to be wrong anyway, who cares? I’m not betting any real money. I promise)

McCain will just about lock it up tonight on the Republican side. It will be boring in every sense of the word there.

I’m boldly predicting Hillary to win more states, but Obama to win more delegates. With the Dems splitting the delegates in most states, it really is starting to look like they come down to the convention. Super delegates are going to be huge, and I’m worried that Clintons and the party money are going to get them all and it just may suck

5:45:40 PM
The handsome gray haired guy on CNN who I like and whose name I should damned well know does an analysis of Georgia votes using one of those county maps, that are unwatchable and pointless. Throw in that there are 4 candidates and they are only using one color and I have to change the channel

5:47:33 PM
CNN projects Delaware for McCain, way behind MSNBC.

5:48:09 PM
Double commercial on both channels as both networks draw their collective breath before polls close in the Midwest. POLLS ARE CLOSING IN THE MIDWEST PEOPLE! THIS IS THE ONE WE’VE BEEN TRAINING FOR! STATIONS PEOPLE! STATIONS!

5:49:37 PM
OK, I turned to FOX news just in time for a commercial break. So coordinated commercials on all channels. FOX has Britt Hume, who is a decrepit vampire who sold out his journalistic credibility long ago, and a very hot blond. Very Hot.
This calls to mind the persistent rumor that Fox exec watch audition tapes for new female anchors with the sound off. Yeah.

I refuse to watch commercials on FOX, so back to CNN where not one but Two US maps are up behind Wolf. USA! USA!!

5:53:21 PM
Swithed the sound over to MSNBC where Huck has won Alabama. They’re in the middle of an interview with Bill Richardson, who is sporting the “I just lost a political race” beard, and I have to say, it is smokin’! He should have had this all along. Currently sporting a goatee myself, (writer’s strike solidarity) I have to say I’m stunningly jealous. That is an awesome goatee. If Bill could lose 30 pounds and keep the goatee, Hillary would have no women’s vote. He looks gooooooood!

5:56:58 PM
Tim Russert says that there won’t be a definitive winner tonight. Duh

5:57:34 PM
MSNBC calls Massachusetts for Hill. Let’s celebrate with a commercial.

All right. Dinner’s ready, so time for my first long break of the night.
Wait, can’t break yet. Here come the closings and the projections…

6:00:35 PM
Hillary wins New York. No-brainer there. Give her another few years and she’ll have even more home states to win…

Huh, no other projections. Shows you that CNN doesn’t have any exit poll staff west of the Mississippi.

OK. Now dinner. Chicken patties and sweet potato fries if you’re curious. We’re on a modified South Beach diet. That’s how I live. Now you know.
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]p};d.\,ol-‘ooooooooooooooooooomn

6:27:36 PM
My daughter Moxie chimed in with some comments above, more insightful than mine. What’s been going on during dinner? My daughter drooled a lot, my son went down for a bath and John McCain took New York, Hillary took New Jersey, and Obama took Delaware.

I switched over to Fox, and the smokin’ hot blonde said, “explanation for Delaware going to Obama? The black vote.” Oh yeah? In frickin’ Delaware? Has there ever been a more racist network than FOX? It took all of 20 seconds for them to say something crass and stupid. I’m switching back.

6:32:13 PM
OK, I think I have an excuse for Chris Matthews. He’s drunk 24/7. He just runs his mouth and runs his mouth and if he ever sobered up he’d ask “What did I say?”
But here’s the thing. I LIKE CHRIS MATTHEWS. Weird. I didn’t think I’d hear myself say that, and it’s certainly not too chic to like him right now, but with everyone else being so measured, it’s nice to see someone who is just true to himself. He’s an ass, so he shows us his ass side. What more do people want? Go Chris. I can’t stop talking when I’m drunk either.
I think that’s why so many people hate him. So many people try so hard to put on the persona of a blustering wind-bag, when they see someone with a god-given natural talent for it like CM, they’re beside themselves with jealousy. Well I for one have decided I admire CM for being the chatty-cathy doll with a broken string that his creator intended him to be.

6:35:43 PM
Just heard a bunch of demographics that talk about what a good night Obama has, and yet he’s not really winning many states, so I’m confused.

6:37:27 PM
Pundit call of the night “Tie goes to Obama!” Thanks Joe Scarborough! Now I’m psyched for baseball season… Go Mariners!

6:38:55 PM
You know, at this point, I’m just going to quote pundits out of context.
CM: “Where is Romney Country?”

6:41:24 PM
We’re close to the always crucial poll closings in Idaho, North Dakota, and Utah. So all 5 voters in those states, best get out and vote now!
I’m really hoping that those three states break for Obama, and the pundits quickly accredit it to “the black vote”

6:44:15 PM
Howard Dean is on. Man, he has that Bush-F-ups-litany down pat now. He must give that 4 times a day to news agencies.

6:48:04 PM
CNN just called Massachusetts for Clinton. How long ago did MSNBC do that? 51 minutes ago that’s how long. I thought I remembered typing Massachusetts.
Now they project New Jersey. I think that’s at least a half hour late.

6:52:38 PM
Time to finally go to the Internet and check out polling. Why? Because I need even more information than two simultaneous cable news networks can give me. OK? Be right back.

7:00:14 PM
Shockeroo! Romney wins Utah! I’m pretty sure it’s because of the black vote…

Speaking of Romney, I flipped over to FOX again, to their dark and scary newsroom, and I am renaming the Fox news channel the “Mitt Romney Apologist Network.” Man, they aren’t just partisan; they are from a specific wing of that party.

It’s kind of an odd phenomenon. It’s kind of like there’s one network covering the Republicans and one covering Dems. Sad. That’s how divided this nation is.

7:03:40 PM
MSNBC calls North Dakota for Obama! Black vote really turned out for him!! (In North Dakota, the black vote’s name is "Dave…")
Here’s what’s hilarious. The polls closed iin North Dakota less than 4 minutes ago, and 89% of the precincts were reporting! I know I made the cheap shot joke about the 5 people, but man, they count those votes quick up there! (What else is there to do?)

7:05:59 PM
Utah for Obama! How many times can I use the Black Vote joke? Too many already? Should I have held out for Utah? Well, I made my point.

7:08:20 PM
Shhh! Huck is talking! He’s having a hell of a night! Can I say hell? He might get 4 or 5 states. He really has EVOLVED as a candidate. Get it? Evolved! (He doesn’t believe in it…)
If Huck runs against Hill in the general election, will we have “Arkansas Fatigue?” Don't we already?

7:11:06 PM
Time for a break while Huck spiels his hate-speech-inspired-by-God-himself.

7:18:31 PM
Kansas goes for Obama too. I’m trying to think of a different joke, but they all fall flat…
Groan… We’re still in for a long night.

There is now, according to MSNBC “A Huckabee Factor”
Good to know.

7:22:32 PM
Keith Olbermann just said “The Huckabee people.” Man, everything about his candidacy is funny. Oh, except his actual positions. Those are scary.

7:28:13 PM
So CNN actually beats MSNBC to a projection and calls Connecticut to Obama. I have no idea who is winning what or ahead or behind or anything right now.
CNN just called Alabama for Huck. Chris Matthews says it’s now 7 states to 6 for Obama over Clinton. I am just being inundated with way too much information right now.
Oh, thank goodness. Mitt Romney is speaking now. That will be a break from any information…

7:32:22 PM
CNN beats MSNBC again and gives Minnesota to Obama! Obama’s on a 6 state run or something.

7:45:17 PM
Arizona goes shockingly to McCain. How many days ago do you think CNN went ahead and made up that graphic? Did they even bother exit polling do you think?

7:47:42 PM
CM is interviewing Haley Barbour who has one redneck mother of a southern accent, and is asking him about Limbaugh who has been way involved in the Romney-McCain crap. Man, do I ever wish that Rush Limbaugh would run for something. Anything. Mr. Dish-it-out-but-can’t-take-it himself. Oh it’d be fun to watch him actually have to defend his hair-brained beliefs. But it will sadly never happen, because deep down Rush knows he's just a pathetic fat piece of crap.

7:50:59 PM
Hillary’s going to give her acceptance speech before the polls in California even close. I wonder why. She’s clearly been seeking wardrobe advice since her Senate run in NY. That yellow outfit is a good color for her. She has good speechwriters too. They know how to hit every vote-able issue and work them together in a 30 second sound byte span.

7:57:57 PM
Hillary sort of hits on her “They’ve been taking shots at me for 16 years, and I’m still here!” line. Is it just me, or does that fall sort of flat for anyone else? “Vote for me, I’ve been hated for a long time! Oh my god! The things they’ve dug up about me! There couldn’t possible be any MORE could there? Not after all that! Could there? So yeah, vote for me! They have to run out of mud eventually! Right?” Just not that inspiring.

8:00:59 PM
MSNBC seems to be projecting Idaho to Obama.

8:02:02 PM
The ticker reminds us that Alaska polls close in just an hour and 28 minutes. That’s what we’re all waiting for right? Right.

8:03:10 PM
Oh, yeah, polls just closed in California too.

8:12:16 PM
CNN Projects Mitt to win Minnesota. Again, one of the “proportional delegate” states for Mitt. He just seems to be getting outplayed at the game. When he wins, he doesn’t get much, but when McCain wins it’s for all the marbles. At 71 years old, John’s finally figuring out how politics is played. Now if only Ralph Nader would learn that lesson…

8:15:32 PM
MSNBC calls Arizona for Hill. Breaks Barack’s streak. By the way, if you’re wondering why I keep using “Obama” instead of “Barack” it’s because I’m totally not sure how to spell Barack and and that nervousness makes me go with the last name I can see in front of me. I also keep using “Hill” because it’s shorter and I’m lazy. (You won’t see this in the final copy, but I spelled Barack three different ways typing that paragraph just now and had to correct them all.)

8:39:56 PM
Haven’t made an entry in a while. I haven’t been taking a break, there really hasn’t been anything of interest. McCain is speaking now, so I’m gonna have some peanuts and watch him.

8:41:54 PM
Wait. No peanuts yet. This could be good. McCain is giving his speech, while Barack is entering to his people, and they have them on split screen. For a little bit, the intro music for Obama was bleeding over into the McCain speech and I honestly thought he was gonna lean through the split screen and say “You Whippersnappers Knock off that racket!!”
This (god-willing) will be one of many times Obama upstages McCain and blows him out of the water. Did the Obama Campaign time that purposely for contrast? Brilliant if they did! NOW it’s peanut time!

9:17:05 PM
Well, a lot happened during the peanuts. Obama inspired goose-bumps. McCain inspired a nap. The big news being that Romney won Montana! Romney won Montana!
Oh, and Hillary and McCain were each projected to win California...

And with Montana determined, that means it’s about time to wrap up. Looks my prediction was backwards. Obama took more states, but I think Hillary will get the delegate edge, though nobody in the world will attempt to do the math right now. McCain does seem like he’s just about locked it up, but he hasn’t quite yet, and there is still a great deal of dissention and bitterness in the republican party, which delights me to no end.

I'll end with a very pessimistic scenario all Democrats should be afraid of:
Obama and Clinton split delegates pretty much 50/50 all the way to the convention. Let's say Obama has a slight edge in the voted-in delegates. They go to the convention with it still in the air, then Hillary pulls off all the Superdelegates and is able to get the delegates from Florida and Michigan who aren't supposed to be official, since no other candidate contested those primaries. With these delegates, she pulls off the majority and takes the nomination. Does such a scenario not undo all the positive steps in the party over the last 2 years and lead to certain doom come November? I'm frightened of this. Very frightened.

Well anyway we'll see next up is my home state of Washington! I finally do get to cast a meaningful vote. And yes, it will be for Obama, in case you haven’t figured that out yet. When the nation is divided, we turn to an honest man from Illinois.

9:46:10 PM
Hey! Obama got Alaska! I stayed up late enough for that.

See you next week,
--winlar

Superdebate!!

2008-02-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

Another debate (this one the GOP Supertuesday debate from California) and another running diary. Just what you need! My thoughts and opinions of the whole debacle as they went down.
Let's see how it went! Enjoy!
--w

9:00PM
OK. Let’s fire this thing up. Yes, I’m doing this running diary very non-live and a day late, but I think that’s fitting for this current batch of Republican candidates, so what the heck?
I have it on the Comcast DVR (SUCKS!) so let’s hope it recorded.

Notes before we begin: You may ask, why am I picking on the Republicans, and not doing the Democrats this week? Well, I figured that with 4 candidates, and all of them just a little unhinged, I thought the Republicans would be more interesting and comical and after watching the Democratic debate just now, I’m thinking that was a good call.

Giuliani is out of the race, which makes me sad, because I always root for the lisping guys, but it gladdens me that I won’t have to spell his last name any more. Too bad Rudy, but I’m sure the other candidates will pick up the slack and mention Ronald Reagan and 9-11 way too often for you.

(A note on Rudy’s exit. Stupid pundits keep pointing to the “Florida Strategy” for how Rudy went from polling 1st a year ago to 3rd today, and I haven’t heard anyone say the real truth, which is that he was just slammed hard from both sides in the party. You might have a chance fighting one tiger, but when there are tigers on the left, right, religious right and religious left of you, slowly picking you apart, the results are grizzly. By the way, I erred when I predicted, “the slow dismantling of Rudy Giuliani.” It was WAY more rapid than I expected.)

Speaking of last names, I’m going to use the first or nicknames for all the Republicans, because Mitt, Huck, are fun to say, and Ron Paul has two first names anyway. However, I just can’t bring myself to call McCain “John.” Can you? I’m thinking even his wife calls him Senator McCain. I think this is a problem for him. Look at the last presidents, W, Bill, George, and Ronnie. We like to elect guys we’re on a first name basis with.

This debate is taking place in the Ronald Reagan Library. So here’s my plan. Instead of just counting every reference to Ron, I’m going to chime in with a factoid about the Reagan tenure of office.

OK. Well, I’m sick as a dog tonight and may pass out at any moment, but what the heck? Let’s do this thing!

9:08 PM
Let’s start things off with Nancy Reagan. Why not? She still is hanging in there. What was she 50 years younger than Ron?

Oh God, they’re actually going to debate in front of Air Force One. Good god, how tacky. From the seating, it looks like some people actually have a wing obstructing their view. That can’t be fun.

9:11 PM
OK. The moderators are introduced, and they’ll be reading questions submitted by the great unwashed across cyberspace. But not really. They’ve been heavily filtered by CNN and Politico.com so don’t worry.

9:13 PM
First question. “Are you better off now than you were 8 years ago…” Let the dodging begin!

Mitt talks about how great Massachusetts is. Not a good strategy for Republicans. Might as well talk about the nice furniture in hell.
Mitt gets into it with Anderson Cooper who says smarmily “Are you running for Governor. Or President?” What are the odds that one of these guys smacks Anderson tonight?

9:16 PM
McCain goes with “Straight Talk.” Unfortunately, my daughter has a toy that makes a revving noise that is exactly the same timbre and vocal tone as his drone, so I’m missing most of this.
Anderson interrupts him too. He is going to get really grating. I like Anderson Cooper, but I wonder if he’s going to interrupt every single answer in mid-sentence.

McCain makes the first Ron reference of the night about controlling spending.
Reagan Factoid: Reagan never submitted a balanced budget to congress! The Democratic Congress cut items out of his budgets, and they still had record deficits.

Huck: We’re not better off. He makes his populist appeal. He hasn’t learned that the first rule of Republican politics is NEVER MENTION THE POOR!

9:23 PM
Ron Paul makes it unanimous. Unless you live in Massachusetts, things are worse for you now. Oh, and apparently Ron thinks our whole system is messed up. Huh.

9:24 PM
New question to Mitt: Is McCain really “liberal?”
Mitt just lays on the attack. He’s rehearsed this diatribe. It’s right out of a Repub focus group. Oh, and he rips on the New York Times. My god! Why do these guys insist on trashing the most prestigious paper in the world? Oh, because most of their constituency are bitter about the fact that they can’t understand it.

McCain rebuts with that cold, quiet “Oh shut up you, I’m a war hero” tone. He sullies right back. I love that they go to the two shot, so we just see Mitt smiling and nodding as McCain rips on him. It has this whole feel of “He’s so right, I do suck.” It’s weird, but if he scowls, or god forbid, sighs, people will talk about what a grump he is.

Mitt fires back smiling while berating McCain and essentially calling him an incompetent liar.
Side note about Mitt: Have you seen that the Colbert Report portrays him as Guy Smiley from Sesame Street? It’s spot on, hilarious and brings back tons of nostalgia for me.
(Guy Smiley is the name of the game show host Muppet btw)

9:36 PM
Mitt’s still wrapping up refuting the assertion that, god forbid, his health care plan cost money. Apparently, it did not.

9:38 PM
Huck is asked about a Rush Limbaugh quote slamming him. Huck claims to love Rush Limbaugh. He just lost my vote, and the vote of anyone capable of reason. That and evolution, and well, being crazy takes him out of the reason vote. He does seem like a nice guy. I wouldn’t mind him being the designated driver for me after a drinking binge. But I get to pick the radio station.

9:40 PM
Mitt’s asked about raising “fees.” Man I’m tired of “Fees.” What a non-issue.

9:42 PM
McCain’s asked about greenhouse gasses and Schwarzenegger’s environmental policy. (Arnold in the house! Only Hollywood type there) He makes the obvious “Oh, he might beat me up” joke. Even Arnold is tired of that one. Huck made a similar joke once about Chuck Norris. Is it too much to want a president like Harrison Ford in Air Force One? (Bad movie btw.) Hillary could kick Chuck Norris’ ass, why can’t these guys show some backbone?
Oh, and McCain gives a reasoned answer about greenhouse gasses but the camera is too obsessed with shots of Arnold to notice.

9:46 PM
Same question to Mitt: So far, there’s a clear bias in moderation. These two guys (Mitt and McCain) each get the same question like they’re the only ones there. It’s totally media manipulation. CNN sucks.

Mitt reminds us that it’s “Global warming” not “America Warming” Thanks Mitt!

Huck has to interrupt to chime in about federalism.

Ron Paul is allowed to speak. Not sure why. But then Anderson Cooper cuts him off. We have heard 12 seconds of Ron Paul in this debate. I was starting to wonder if he was still there.

9:50 PM
Huck comes out against the tax rebates, further killing his chances at winning.
He’s right about infrastructure, sort of, but it’s hard to pay attention because while he is speaking, Mitt makes a smarmy little aside comment to McCain to the effect of “who is this guy, and what’s he doing in our debate with each other.” That’s probably not what he really said, but it seemed very rude. Are you not happy getting 90 percent of the debate time Mitt? Got to talk during other guy’s time too? Manners!

9:53 PM
Mitt chimes in on infrastructure with big dig news. He basically laughs at Huck’s plan.

Ron Paul somehow connects all of this to foreign policy and why we shouldn’t have one. He’s a tad predictable don’t you think?

9:55 PM
New topic: Foreclosures

McCain’s answer to most questions I just realized goes like this, “well I think we’re doing a pretty good job, but I think there’s still a long way to go.” Iraq, the economy, sub-prime mortgages... Sadly, I think this is how he truly feels about everything.

10:07 PM
I took a break to make some soup. I’m really really sick and doing this diary now is a bad idea. I don’t think I’m going to be able to sit through much more of this economic squabbling. Ugh

Reagan Reference! Factoid: When Reagan took office, the USA was the world’s biggest creditor nation. When he left, we were the biggest debtor nation! USA! USA!!

10:10 PM
I’m going to enjoy my soup now. I’m only going to comment if someone punches somebody.

10:12 PM
We’re onto immigration. All the real immigration nuts are out of the race now, so I’m expecting a hate-off to see who gets the Latino-hating vote.

Mitt says he’ll allow immigrant children in schools to finish the school year they’re enrolled in because somewhere deep down, Mitt has a teeny bit of a soul. See it? It’s way down there under the… Oh, that’s some mustard from lunch… But the soul’s in there. Trust me.

McCain is accused of treating illegals humanely. He counters. “Oh no, we’re gonna build us a wall they’d kill for in the old Soviet Union! Woo hoo!” I hate that these guys are turning our nation into exactly what we hated about the Soviets in 1980. We’re in Afghanistan, we’re building walls, monitoring our own citizens…

10:18 PM
Ah Abortion’s the new topic! Here we go.

Huck talks of the “Sanctity of Human Life.” Man, am I ever tired of that buzzword. Especially since it's almost always used by someone who has imposed the death penalty or started a war.

10:22 PM
Ron Paul is literally cut off in mid-sentence again. Anderson Cooper treats him like an annoyance.

Mitt uses the secret code “Strict Constitutionalist” which means, pro-life judges only. Um… Weird, but I’m pretty sure but Abortion isn’t mentioned in the Constitution anywhere…

Here’s where I sometimes get politically incorrect on abortion. Sometimes A part of me wishes that just one state would ban it. (Not mine of course) How long before the unmitigated disaster that would play out caused them to reverse that decision on a national level? How many kids running across the border from Arkansas to another state (or Mexico) for a procedure they should have gotten at home would set off a national outrage? As soon as one young girl died, or one doctor was sent to jail, this country would send in the National Guard just to rightfully slap that stupid state around. Have these guys never played out this scenario in their heads?
Abortion is a classic “Then What?” issue. (A term coined by ME! Winlar!) As in, “So we outlaw abortion in Texas… Then what?” Or: So we invade Iraq and get rid of Sadaam Hussein… Then what?” I guess what I’m looking for in these candidates is foresight.

10:30 PM
OK, we’re back from commercial break, and… we go to another commercial break.

10:31 PM
Peggy Noonan is quoted, ripping on Bush for killing the Republican Party. A big part of me despises Peggy Noonan, and I continue to do so. Yeah, the bad thing about Bush is he ruined the Republican Party. Never mind that he F-ed up the COUNTRY. No the party is his biggest crime. Peggy’s a mercenary plain and simple.

Mitt stands up for Bush. Why does he keep doing that? Cut bait and run Mitt.
Anyway, Mitt gets a smattering of applause for saying that Bush kept us safe. A pathetic smattering.
Then he talks about Iraq and says, “The Democrats say it’s more important to get out than to WIN. I want to WIN” What a great attitude… if you’re playing in the Super Bowl. But IRAQ ISN’T A GAME! We’re talking about millions of lives, displacing populaces, monumental fear and bloodshed. You don’t win these things Mitt. War is war. You don’t win you just survive. Idiot.

Reagan reference! “The house that Reagan built.” Factoid: Reagan gave guns to Osama Bin Laden and Sadaam Hussein!

10:37 PM
Now to Iraq. Question goes to Mitt. Mitt has gotten to talk more than all the other candidates combined tonight. What gives with that? Is he just long-winded? It’s morbidly unfair. Is no one keeping track of this?
Mitt makes a Reagan Reference! Factoid: National debt when Reagan took office: 914 billion dollars. (With a B) When he left? 2.6 trillion dollars! (With a T!)

10:42 PM
McCain looks like a hurt puppy after Mitt accused him of “Dirty tricks Reagan would have been disgusted by.” They’re haggling over timetables for leaving Iraq, because the enemy will just “Lie in the weeds until we leave.” Boy, wouldn’t it be awful if our troops didn’t get shot at until the date they left? Wouldn’t that just be awful? Yeah that would be terrible because… our… troops… wouldn’t… get… shot at… huh?

10:45 PM
The McCain-Mitt bickering has gone on so long that I’m wondering if Huck and Paul are still even there. Boy, do these guys ever look presidential right now I must say with dripping sarcasm.

10:48 PM
God! More Mitt! I’m almost ready to elect him president if he’ll JUST SHUT UP!
(I think I’ve hit the wall. Oh wait, I hit the wall a long time ago.)

Note: The Republican Candidates have officially changed the name of the New York Times to “Even the New York Times” as in, “Even the New York times said you lied.” Be sure to go out and subscribe to Even the New York Times today!

10:50 PM
Wait, what’s happening? I don’t understand… Oh! Ron Paul is being asked a question! Hasn’t happened in so long I forgot that was allowed.
The question of course is, “Do you agree with John McCain?” Natch.
Poor Ron feels like he has to talk so fast that he seems a bit doddering. Still, he makes amazing points on Iraq. He scores more in one minute than McMitt did in the last 40 minutes they were allowed to carry on.
It’s sad when an anarchist is the voice of reason for your party…

10:54 PM
Huck chimes in about a 100 year involvement…. In this debate! (Rim shot please. That was my joke, not his.)

10:56 PM
Here’s a fun game! When McMittHuck talk about “It’s not about how long we’re in Iraq, it’s about winning” substitute the word Viet Nam for Iraq. OK, it's more of a poignant game, but it's a game. Unlike war.

10:58 PM
We’re promised “A barrage of questions” for Huck. Let’s see if by barrage they mean more than one.

Huck’s asked about Vladimir Putin and comes across as an intellectual lightweight.

Reagan Reference! Factoid: Reagan allowed his wife’s astrologer to influence policy!

Um, the barrage of questions was… one. Nice hearing from you Huck! See you after the debate.

My God. Mitt’s amping up hatred for Putin, China, and foreigners in general to build back the coalition of hate. He makes no sense.
Man, I lived through a world where we feared Russia. Let’s never go back there.

11:03 PM
We’re back to asking economy questions to McMitt again. This is the worst moderated debate I’ve ever seen. It has the organization and flow of a damaged CD.

Man am I hating Mitt Romney. Since when did being a rich asshole make you presidential material? Sure, presidents tend to be rich assholes, but that’s not what qualifies them for the job. You’re backwards there Mitt.

11:07 PM
Again a question for Romney! What the hell? OK, he doesn’t have military experience. Most rich assholes don’t. Why ask him about that?

11:09 PM
Now McCain is asked whether Mitt is ready to be commander in chief. When did we enter this Mitt-centric universe?

McCain looks tired. Not as tired as me, but tired.

Ron Paul gets to talk about the economy, and he’s on crappy footing here. All he can say is how he’s going to do things by doing nothing. Bashing our current economic system isn’t going to play when it’s made us so frickin’ rich. Well, some of us…

11:13 PM
Huck makes a good joke about the earlier “Barrage of questions” lie. Well, he did have a lot of time to think of one… I’m waiting for him to do a Glenn Close Fatal Attraction “I will not be IGNORED, Anderson!”
Uh oh. He mentioned the poor again. Millions of Republicans tuned out… (Such a cheap shot, but I’m proud of it.)

11:16 PM
Ok, the last question (I hope) is “Why would Ronald Reagan endorse you.”
There will obviously be a ton of Reagan mentions here so I won’t bother to put factoids to them. But let me just say something to you kids out there. I lived through the Reagan Presidency. I voted for the bastard. (Stop gasping. It’s a deep dark secret. I was 18 and stupid.) And let me just say unequivocally that Ronald Reagan was a HORRIBLE president. We lived 8 years in abject fear of nuclear war, homeless people were everywhere, the world hated us, and he bankrupted two nations, one of them our own. The only thing he did well was look good in a suit. So don’t let anyone convince you of his sainthood. The only reason that Republicans are slurping him so much is that Bush is somehow worse, and if they don’t sanctify Reagan they have to go all the way back to Eisenhower.

That being said, let’s hear why Ronnie Ray-gun would have loved Mitt Romney!

Wow, apparently Reagan had opinions on a lot of stuff that didn’t happen until after he died! And they all agree with Mitt’s positions! What a visionary!

Did Ron Paul just come out for the Gold Standard? What is this 1920? We must be very near the end now… (Of the debate, or the world, I’m not sure which)

11:20PM
And we’re out! Damn. Well, I’m glad we got the entire country's problems fixed with that 90-minute discussion. Who knew that Mitt and McCain calling each other liars would make the country a better place?

Tune in next week for my running diary of Super Tuesday. It should be up on Wednesday, and it should be… well… Just tune in damnit!

Goodnight!
--winlar

Hillary Yeah Well, I Guess She's OK...

2008-01-24T22:52:00.000-08:00

I put this song up earlier as a poem, but since the political season is going the way it is, I thought I'd put it to music and repost a hasty performance of it. So here it is.
And don't forget to mark your Calendars! Winlar's political comedy show, Love, Politics... and Love... coming March 7th, 8th, 14th and 15th to the Jewel Box theater!
-w

Obituary for Common Sense

2008-01-16T14:25:00.000-08:00

OK,
So I got another one of those annoying email messages that seem to circulate. You know the ones. They start off with a slightly humorous point, or an attempt to be cute, and then slowly morph into a right-wing, not-so-well-disguised fascist point of view. All of them seem to have the theme of "Oh, isn't the world just going to H-E-double hockey sticks, and isn't it great that folks like us who mindlessly forward pithy, poorly researched emails are keeping the rest of society above water?"
Well, rather than send my comments about this particular insipid mailing around the world in email form further perpetuating the problem, I've decided just to blog them. I won't make you read the original email (An Obituary for Common Sense) in its entirety this time. I've just inserted it in black font and my own smarmy comments in purple.
Enjoy,
--winlar

An Obituary for Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
-Hospital record keeping, to be fair, has been responsible for tracking diseases and evaluating care methods to improve them. It’s also very important in our system in making sure that Doctors and Nurses get paid. But it is red tape and confuses some of us, so Common Sense dictates that we dispense with it.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
-Ben Franklin didn’t know when to come in out of the rain and today we have electricity. Worms can be attained any time, day or night (It's called a bait shop), and life is fair in that the same laws of physics apply to everyone and death awaits us all. Writing this was someone’s fault, and that clearly remains so to this day but seeing that this email was unsigned, that lesson was not learned by the author.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
-Every home owner, except those few who pay cash, has spent more than they earn. It’s called banking and it’s fundamental to our society. Was Common Sense against home ownership?
Children are not allowed to vote, thus are not in charge. Perhaps we’ll give them the right to vote once they learn to beat themselves, bomb other countries and give upper class tax cuts.

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
-His? Common Sense is male? Oh, of course. Men are responsible for all that is good and right! Women are incapable of logic and reason…
Darn those regulations! If only we were more like China! Common Sense was always a fan of putting lead paint and date rape drugs in kid’s toys!

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition
-He was also disparaged by apocryphal stories. People who found 3 instances occurring in a country of 300 million people and determined them to be the norm rather than the exception.
I heard a story of a guy who strapped rockets to his car and crashed into a cliff. Why do all people do that? It doesn’t matter that the story isn’t true either. It might have happened once, so clearly it happens all the time. If only Common Sense were still around everyone would know this.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
-Yes! I so wish that teachers were allowed to beat the crap out of other people’s children. I love it when people who are relative strangers beat up and abuse other people’s children. Good thing it’s NEVER EVER my own children who are “unruly,” because if anyone ever harmed them, I would unleash an unholy vengeance upon the teacher who laid a finger on them. Of course, this makes me a terrible parent.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
-Yes! Since something as harmless as a PEANUT can kill a child, Common Sense always dictated that a school nurse should be allowed to pump whatever medications she wants into a kid without really knowing any kind of medical history.
And of course Common Sense dictated that a teenaged girl needs parental guidance to opt for an abortion, but not to raise a child by herself. (By the way, I know of no law keeping a teacher from telling parents any information about their student. They often don’t since this is a major betrayal of trust and really isn’t part of a teacher’s business or job, but freedom of speech lets you do what you want.)
Oh, and sticky plaster? What is this 1912?

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
-Yes. Common Sense required that we must put 3000 year old superstitious dictates (the definitive word on “Neighbor’s ass coveting”) on classroom walls, so that we can stop adhering to Jefferson’s Separation of Church and State and start being more like the Taliban, Northern Ireland and Iran.

churches became businesses;
-OK, I’m going to agree there. If Jesus came back today and saw these mega-churches, he wouldn’t just overturn the money-lender’s tables, he’d have to tear down the whole church, starting with the gift shop. Hey, I bet they could sell you a really nice poster of the Ten Commandments to put up in your school...

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
-Really? Really? OK, sure victims always get it bad, they are victims after all, but the alternative is to treat innocent people worse than victims along with the criminals. Is that really what common sense dictated? Our legal system is surely flawed, but show me a better on.
By the way, Common Sense really DICTATED a lot. Perhaps people would have been nicer to him if he asked please once in a while. Given the tone and general hatred for our elected government in this obituary, Common Sense was no fan of democracy.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
-Um, you can still defend your home. Here’s something Common Sense knew about: Math. If a burglar sues one time out of 1000, one time out of 10,000 or whatever it works out to, it is still a virtual statistical impossibility that you’ll get sued for protecting your house. Common Sense says don’t get hysterical when improbable things happen. (And yes, such suits exist, but almost invariably either get thrown out or lose, so shut the fuck up.)

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
-McDonalds was selling coffee at a temperature of 190 degrees, a temperature which can give third degree burns if in contact with human skin for less than three seconds! (Your home coffee machine is probably set around 135 degrees.) McDonalds had been warned 700 times about it and had already paid half a million dollars in settlements from previous incidents. They were fined punitively a mere two day’s coffee sales, which was immediately reduced 4/5ths by the court. And the lack of common sense is on the part of the legal system?

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers;
-Common Sense had stepbrothers? This implies that Truth or Trust either had children out of wedlock or remarried. Which one? I’m betting it was Trust. Whore.

I Know my Rights,
-Yes. Don’t know your rights. Common Sense dictated ignorance.

Someone Else is to Blame,
-Um, so you’re blaming yourself for Common Sense’s demise? I didn’t get that from your tone. But I guess you’re a murderer.

and I'm a Victim.
-Um, I thought victims had it worse than criminals, so why would anyone want to be one?

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

-Funny how Common Sense made it through witch burnings, the Spanish Inquisition, and several World Wars, only to be killed off by a couple of random hiccups by American institutions. If only more people circulated trite emails, then he just may have been able to hold on for one more millennium.

Author unknown
-but a blameless victim who knows his/her rights just the same…

Common Sense would have wanted you to send this to at least 11 people! If you do, good luck and prosperity will come your way!

--Winlar

High Fructose Corn Syrup

2008-01-09T22:08:00.000-08:00

If you made it through my mammoth Double Debate Running Diary, then here's your reward. A nice sweet little tune. And if you didn't read my Debate Diary, well, just read it now, and the video will be waiting.

Oh, and there's a Fox News debate this Thursday. If you think I'm blogging that, you're crazy.
--Winlar

Double Debate Running Diary!

2008-01-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

All right! This is going to be a long one. Two debates! One night! Back to back rhetorical action. Time for a long running diary.
(In case you’re wondering, it’s an idea I’m stealing from Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy. He does it usually for sports events and NBA drafts etc, but I've chosen to do one to political debates, watching the debate and noting my feelings and observations as I go.)
Tonight! ABC news presents two presidential debates back to back! (Broadcast Saturday evening January 5th.) Three plus hours of political fun! So let's get to it shall we?
Here we go!

6:34:34 PM
Waiting for this thing to begin. The Stupid Comcast DVR said it would be on at 6pm PST, but of course it lied. News first that I’m not really watching. Well, at least this debate won’t be tape delayed on C-SPAN 2. It’s on an actual network. Let’s just hope ABC doesn’t kick it to the Disney Channel. (Man I hate media consolidation. Prediction, no one will be asked about media consolidation tonight.)

While I’m waiting here’s a better idea than this double header format, which is on opposite playoff football, and the Huskies-Cougars Basketball game to ensure top viewership. Why not just put all the candidates up there at once? Get everyone up there. No holds barred. No stinking moderator for cripes sake. Just toss a coin or something to determine who gets to throw out the first asinine comment, and go from there. Wouldn’t that be way cooler? Then perhaps when Fred Thompson says something like “40% of Americans pay no income tax” somebody from the other side of the aisle would punch him, or at least correct him. But maybe they’d punch him. That’d be great.

6:44:08 PM
I’m taking this unexpected delay to figure out how to use the date and time function in Microsoft word. Is there a way to do that without using the pull-down menu? Somebody help me out here. I also have a really bad feeling that when I cut and paste this into my blog none of them will show up. I used to be so computer literate. What happened?

6:47:19 PM
So just a heads up: Since the Washington-Washington State game is on at the same time, I’ll be watching both events simultaneously. Yes, I have two TV’s sitting next to each other and I’m watching both at once. People make fun of me for this, but totally out of jealousy.
Anyway, if I type something like “Hillary Clinton drains a three pointer,” I hope you understand. Go Huskies!

7:00:20 PM
OK! Here we go! Charlie Gibson in the house! Big montage at the open which tries to make politics look exciting, and... we’re LIVE, er, no… recorded earlier. Oh well. Such is life on the West Coast of Western Civilization.

7:01:54 PM
Repubs win the coin toss and go first.

7:02:48 PM
Facebook is a sponsor this time. Must every debate be sponsored by an annoying web site?

7:03:52 PM
Diane Sawyer and George Steffi-Grafalis are trying to hype this like a sports event. Dudes, that’s my job.

7:04:45 PM
What? Wyoming had a caucus today? Really? Damn! I follow politics closely, yet nobody mentioned this. Man, you gotta feel like chopped liver if you’re a Wyomian right now. Iowa gets all day all night coverage and Wyoming gets an “oh by the way.” (Mitt Romney won, so perhaps they are chopped liver…)

7:06:48 PM
OK, off to a prerecorded montage of a bunch of white people and what they want discussed. We only have 90 minutes to get to know 6 candidates, why are we killing time with this?

7:08:16 PM
Uh Oh. My wife just opened a bottle of wine. This could get ugly. Let me know if I’m slurring. (New Year’s resolution to not drink lasts… 5 days.)

7:09:32 PM
Hey they let the candidates sit! I thought to be a good president you have to stand. Sorry FDR!

7:10:29 PM
Uh oh. First question mentions W Bush. Didn’t ABC get the RNC memo? Ixnay on the Esidentpray!

7:11:19 PM
Huckabee says “When I said bad things about foreign policy, that’s when I was just some crackpot from Arkansas. Now that I’m a frontrunner, I’ll tow the party line.” He then piles on to Rumsfeld. Late hit penalty!

Fred Thompson actually pauses between September and 11 “September… uh eleven…”You will not catch Giuliani making that mistake.

And as if on cue, Rudy chimes in and says, “Hey, I was mayor on 9-11!”
I have to say that a part of me roots for Rudy because he lisps. If I didn’t have so much hair I could almost work up an impersonation of him.

7:16:27 PM
The new question is “Can we invade any country preemptively whenever we feel like?"

McCain gives props to Bush and piles onto Rumsfeld for another 15-yard penalty. What’s with the sucking up to W? Trying to get those 3 voters who still like him?

Ron Paul chimes in on preemptive war. When Libertarians are your voice of reason, your party is in big trouble. Tonight I think Ron Paul will be the only person taking a contrary position on any issue. It’s sort of like 5 on one.

Mitt (Wyoming’s big winner) wins the suck up to Bush voters contest. He got a haircut since Iowa. I notice these things. He “casually” mentions the Prime Minister of Spain. Namedropper!

Thompson jumps on the preemption bandwagon. Is there any country these guys wouldn’t invade?

Rudy helps drum up the fear. What’s the over-under on the number of times he says Islamic Terrorism?” He’s already at 3.

Mitt interrupts Ron Paul and a bit of a catfight begins. Mitt name-drops a terrorist’s name. Clearly his strategy is to sound smart by pronouncing names correctly.

Huckabee is finally forced to speak by the moderator. He’s savvy. He knows that in the land of crazy talk, he who talks least looks the sanest.

Great catfight going on now about whether or not Mitt can read.
Oh man! It’s getting good now! Huck and Mitt are going toe to toe! There’s real bitterness there.

Rudy chimes in with two more “Islamic Terrorist” mentions. Ron Paul is getting gang-banged just for suggesting that our foreign policy isn’t on the up and up.

7:31:14 PM
Charlie Gibson admits that he made promises to not do certain things to the RNC. But he dares to defy them by… showing a video clip? Nice backbone Chuck.
He asks, or rather has President Bush sort of ask via some old press conference, if candidates should care about opinion polls.

Here’s a fun debate drinking game that McCain reminded me of. Drink whenever you hear a candidate say “The Greatest country on the face of the earth.” As the voice of the American People, let me say sir that I know you’re blowing smoke up my ass, but it is nice and warm, so please continue….
Anyway, he was asked about opinion polls, and I have no idea what question he answered.

Mitt also decides to give his stump speech when asked about opinion polls.

Mitt hits a three! No wait, that was the Huskies. 15-10 dogs!

Rudy mentions his book, and Ronald Reagan in the same sentence. “I’m smart and a pseudo-cowboy!” Um, what about opinion polls? Opinion polls? Flip flopping anyone? YOU WERE ASKED A DAMNED QUESTION!

7:39:32 PM
Charlie points out that no one answered the question then puts together an impromptu attack ad on each candidate and does remarkably well.

Two more Reagan mentions for Giuliani.

Huck is going for and will get the Bush voter. Here’s what he just did. He quoted the constitution and gave a little (skewed) history lesson, AS IF EVERYONE SHOULDN”T ALREADY KNOW ALL THAT CRAP. This is how Bush does it. He explains every little thing as if nobody ever took a civics or American history class. “It’s my job as president, to approve or…'veto' bills after congress passes them…heh heh." This guarantees the votes of those 25 percent of Americans who have never taken high school prerequisites, and it’s a sure way to win the Republican nomination.
“Gee, thanks for reading the Constitution for me Huck! I’d read it myself, but it’s like sooooooo long!” We’re doomed.

Second wife shot of the night. Huck’s wife looks fittingly like Aunt Bee. Terrible outfit there. Do we really want Minnie Pearl to be first lady?

Ron Paul is looking bad here. This isn’t his format. He’s saying stuff to try to get applause and it ain’t coming. He looks frazzled.

7:49:38 PM
And we’re on to health care. An ABC news taped report asks the question because, um, I guess Charlie Gibson needed a break half an hour in?

Huskies up three at the half.

Rudy says we have the best health care system in the world, meaning of course that HE has the best health care system in the world.

Uh oh. Charlie Gibson is doing MATH! Not fair. He ripped apart tax cuts for health care suggested by the candidates. Is it just me, or is Charlie Gibson totally winning this debate?

McCain just took a cheap shot at Canada. Honestly, Canada? Gonna go after widows and orphans next?

Mitt takes the first cheap shot at Hillary. That Bitch! She wants us to be insured!

Ron Paul suggests that we outsource the health care crisis to India. Or something like that. OK, idealistic college kids. He wants to end the war and that’s great, but let’s not forget that he’s crazy OK?

Fred says if we insure everyone, we’ll also sacrifice care. OK, if you’re getting NO care, how can that be sacrificed again? Fred’s a freakin’ ass.

Mitt is the whipping boy for everyone’s jokes tonight. “Listen to the crazy man talk about the cost of health care.”
Mitt just put the smack down on Fred for pretending to know more about Massachusetts Health care than he does. Most presidential he’s looked.

Um, gentlemen, the word you’re avoiding is POOR! Some people are too POOR to get health care insurance. Next time you want to say Ronald Reagan, try saying “poor.” Expand your vocabulary a little.

Huck’s health care plan, “Don’t get sick.” As president, he will keep everyone from getting sick.

8:03:21 PM
Thought we were moving on, but Charlie Gibson decided to score more points on his opponents on health care. He’s getting my vote. He clearly knows more about this issue than any of the candidates and he can do the math. I see a groundswell of support for him. He just might win this thing.

McCain finally gets onto solid footing here talking about the pharmaceutical companies and reform. He needs to learn to always make his answers about reform and he’d get somewhere.

Never afraid to stand up for the big guy, Mitt comes to the defense of the pharmaceutical companies.

8:06:58 PM
First commercial break. Why would you advertise during this? Who the heck do you think is watching? There are sports on for cripes sake. You’d be better off sponsoring this blog. (And that could be made to happen easily… Let’s talk…)

8:08:37 PM
And we’re back.
McCain’s asked about immigration. Ah, Republicans on immigration! Let the hate fest begin. McCain actually refers to undocumented aliens as “God’s Children.” That’s as close as a Republican will ever get to calling someone a “Human Being.”

Mitt piles on the hate fest. “You gave up your humanity by not waiting in line for entry to this country!”

Rudy tries to do his best Duncan Hunter impersonation. Or was that Tancredo? I’m still confused.
You know, a lot of effort has been put forth here talking about how these candidates change their positions on the issues and nobody points out that the real problem is that they almost invariably change their positions to WORSE positions.

Here’s something I love about debates. Mitt just used the word “Senator” with that tone that makes it an insult. “You know that, Senator!” That’s one good thing about being a comedian. How stupid would someone sound saying “And you should know that, Comedian!”

Catfight on immigration! “You actually LIKE these people!” “No I don’t!” “Why don’t you kiss illegal aliens if you love them so much…” My god, Huck is so smart to just let these guys rip each other wide open on this issue of paramount importance to New Hampshire…

Rudy chimes in with two more Ronald Reagans. Is Rudy running, or just campaigning for Ron? Oh, and two more Double R’s for RG. He is totally winning the RR mention-off.

OK, bad drinking game. When Fred says um, uh, or uuuuuuuhm, take a drink. You’d pass out in two minutes and miss the rest of this debate. Oh wait, that makes it a GOOD drinking game…

8:22:13 PM
The immigration catfight continues. Each person trying to show that their policy wasn’t as reasonable or workable as others might make it out to be.

Charlie Gibson is SMART! He picked up on Huck’s silence and forced him into the fray.
Huck almost steals the issue with a brief, coherent answer, but…. nope. He killed it.

Ron Paul reminds us that in our rush to be paranoid about illegal immigration, we’re forgetting to be paranoid about national ID cards. Thanks Ron. You’re no Alan Keyes, but you’re keeping me awake.

8:27:33 PM
New question: Hey, you guys hate Hillary, but you might have to hate Barak Obama! Do you have any hatred left over?

Mitt: Sure do! And I want to debate him on change! Oh, good strategy for the ruling party…

Fred: I don’t know what Obama’s positions are, but I’m sure they’re very liberal…. uh…um…uh… But what the country really needs uh, um is my stump speech…um… uh.

McCain rips on Mitt the way I just did.

Damn. There have been like 6 straight three pointers in the UW/WSU game. All knotted up. Oh, yeah, I’m supposed to listen to John McCain rip on Barak Obama...

See, why is Rudy Giuliani allowed to rip on someone who isn’t there to defend himself? My idea at the outset of having them all grouped together is way better than this format. Of course, Charlie Gibson would win….

8:36:24 PM
OK. Here we go. New Topic: Gas prices. Please tell us in less than two minutes how the free market is not responsible for high gas prices, and how the free market will somehow bring them down again.

Ron Paul makes a great point of how the Iraq war has quadrupled the price of oil. The problem with being a conspiracy theorist is that when you do talk sense, nobody listens.

McCain didn’t really answer the question but sounded sane, so points there.

Fred is a prick. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about and covers that up by being mean. Uh… ramble ramble. Dick. Remember when it was a mystery that this guy didn’t lead all the polls as soon as he declared? Mystery solved.

Rudy sounded sane on alternative fuels. Actually, these guys all are talking about oil independence. The industry that bankrolls them has coached them well. (Wow, that was a cheap shot worthy of Fred Thompson!)

And we’re done! Now Charlie Gibson, in the most presidential act of the night, asks all the candidates, Republican and Democrat to join on the stage and play nice. Sort of like my idea, only silent. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the winner of tonight’s debate and next president of the United States of America, Charles Gibson!

Time for a break as we wait for the audience to be reshuffled. God forbid Republicans hear Democrat’s ideas, or vice-versa. But they all shook hands! God bless America. We’re screwed.

All right. Had to take a break and pause the action, so the times won’t really match up anymore, but now my daughter’s in bed, my wife’s in the tub, my son is… well I’m sure he’s fending for himself somewhere, and the Huskies game is sadly over. A heck of a game but a Husky loss. It hurts, but I’ll go on. Let’s get back to the carnage.

9:21:57 PM
Great. We get coverage of the Spin Room. What possible good is served by this? Everyone agrees that no good ever comes out of these paid consultants telling journalists who won a debate that we just saw, so why this lameness? I’m going to skip it out of principal.
I mean, do the locker room interviews after football games change the outcome? Shame on you ABC news and all the other media outlets for forcing this crap down our throats.

My DVR says this will go until 10pm. It’s already 9pm and we don’t have the Dems started.

9:27:32 PM
George and Diane have to make sure to give us the poll numbers going in. Thanks guys. Don’t be afraid to take time away from listening to the candidates to tell us who is going to win.

Good gossip though about Hill being mad at Richardson for throwing support to Obama to stay in the race. Why don’t they give us more nuggets like that, and not the silly numbers?

9:30:01 PM
We’re off.
Charlie talks about how he’s going to stay out of the way of the candidates. No! You already won one debate tonight Charlie! Go for two!

9:31:13 PM
We start the Dems with NUCLEAR Terrorism. The implication here is that Dems are soft on nuclear terrorism. Who isn’t?

Obama gets asked, “Will you invade Pakistan?” Who dreams up these questions? No wonder we’re in two wars at once. The media is obsessed!

Obama replies, "sure, why not?"
Man, he has NO voice left. Maybe he was at today’s Seahawk game.
To his credit, he’s not talking about invading Pakistan, just going in and getting Bin Laden.

Now Edwards says he’d find Bin Laden and get him. What, do these guys think that will play favorably with Democrats? Don’t democrats LOVE bin Laden? Bad political strategy IMO.
(Oh, and in case you didn’t notice, I was being SARCASTIC!)

Richardson goes before Hillary? Man, how the mighty have fallen…
Bill (I’m gonna start using first names now. It’s easier to type) looks like he’s lost a little weight and either got some tanning done in Iowa or New Hampshire, or has some pancake makeup on. Judging that his face doesn’t move when he does, I’m thinkin’ make up.

Is it me, or were Republicans asked about real things and Dems are being asked hypotheticals? I guess I shouldn’t judge one question in. Hey folks, I’m trying to be unbiased, but it’s hard…

Hillary does better sitting down. It’s like she’s on a talk show, which she’s done a billion times. I think this format may help her a lot.
Hill scores some points by mentioning the fragility of the India situation vis a vis Pakistan. Sounding wonkish is good strategy with Dems.

Richardson’s making some great points now, but since he has no chance to win, I’m wondering what to put on my second TV. This is a problem after 9pm or so when all the sports events are over. I need something that I can mute so as not to distract, but will still give me eye candy when bored. Usually go with SportsCenter here.

9:45:11 PM
OK. I get to be the paranoid guy now.
The question is “After a nuclear bomb goes off in America, what will you wish you had done, and what will you do?” Thanks liberal media! The implication here being that, if there’s a democrat in office, of course we’ll have to deal with this kind of thing. If a Democrat’s in office, everybody will be nuking us! Second hypothetical question of the debate. Are we ever gonna talk about REAL things, and stop debating episodes of “24?”

The answers here go something to the effect of “If we were hit we will have wished we would have had would have done something we then would not have had done and had we done what I wished we had done, then we will have would have done something I would have and will have done.” Can we have a whole debate on a subjective level? This is like a Marvel “What if” comic.

Next question: “What if Superman and Spiderman had a fight? Who would win?” (Sad personal note here. I totally had that comic book as a kid, and it would be worth the GDP of a small country today, but it got ripped and my Mom threw it away. Bummer.)
Oh, oops, there’s a debate on!

9:52:43 PM
Wait wait wait. I gotta pause the DVR Here. ABC goes to all this effort to show a tape of a story and question about Social Security and Medicare and America’s aging, then Charlie just says, “Good stuff and I hope we get to it, but I want to ask Hillary what dirt she thinks might get dug up about Obama.” What the hell? Are you just trying to start a catfight Charlie? Not very presidential of you….

So now Hillary winds into an attack on Obama for flip flopping on single-payer health care. Who gives a hairy rat about flip-flopping? Honestly? Do we, the American people ever get mad at a candidate for listening to us? God, it’s a democracy! Shouldn’t leaders listen to the American people once in a while? Doesn’t democracy give the masses some credit for having half a brain? Man, I’m tired of this.

10:05:20 PM
We’re still talking about who did and didn’t flip-flop and Edwards hasn’t spoken yet. Ug.

Edwards is taking notes from Huckabee and staying out, then coming in as the nice guy. God, if he and Huck both win, it will be such a warm fuzzy general campaign perhaps we’ll all start coughing up fur balls.

OK, this may sound risqué, but it’s shaping up to be 2 on 1 and Hillary is... OK, that’s too risqué. But Edwards did a nice job of smiling while digging Hillary to make the B-word side really come out of her. These candidates are tired, and there might be some actual emotions coming through in this thing.

Bill makes a joke about hostage negotiations being more civil than this debate. Good laugh and a nice icebreaker, but things really weren’t that bad. Leave the comedy to the viable candidates Bill.

Yeah, It’s Edwards and Obama against Hillary. Smart triangulation. This is what makes the primaries fascinating. The scheming and alliances.

10:14:00 PM
And now on to Iraq. Finally something real to talk about. Oh wait. They said that the surge is working and everything is hunky dory now. We’re still in fantasyland.

Bill’s talking, so I’ll give my own personal solution to Iraq. Easy. Let the Iraqi people vote on whether US forces stay or leave! Whatever they say, we do! Why can’t it just be that simple? I mean, do we believe in democracy or don’t we? What, they might not vote the way we want them to? I know I’m an idealist, but won’t we gain some respect worldwide for actually believing in something if we do that? Oh well. Let’s hear the “real” solutions…

Bill scores some points by saying he’d pull the troops out fastest. But does he really think that he’s going to get all that anti-war under-25 first-time voter vote? I love this about American politics. The guys who are getting out-polled by margin of error and still think they have a chance.

10:25:33 PM
We’re back from commercial and into the “last half” of the 4 debate halves.
And now some questions from the guy who asked questions earlier, and nobody still knows who he is. He’s bald.
He asks the inside-baseball question to Hillary about why people don’t like her. Good god.
She comes back nicely with a joke. Well played. Then she very subtly reminds us that we liked Bush too. Nice crafty politics.
Then she gets silly saying “Just being a woman means I’m all about change.” She gets applause for that. Come on people. Obama’s not saying to vote for him because he’s black. Someone should call her on that.

Obama makes a great joke about “Flipping back and forth between the Republican debate and football.” This guy’s a natural. Makes a joke, gets out the male vote, and rips the Reps.

Bill is asked about “Executive experience” and goes on his tiresome diatribe about “Standing down the North Koreans” and blah blah blah. You’re governor of Freakin’ New Mexico for Chrissakes! Get over yourself! What, did Communists try to take over the Taos music festival? Put a sock in it Bill. If you are doing "hostage negotiations" as Governor of New Mexico, well... You should not be doing hostage negotiations as Governor of New Mexico...

Edwards gets to talk and gives his lobbyist/my Dad worked in the mill speech. I like this guy a lot, but I’m getting tired of hearing about his Dad’s miserable job.
Quick cutaway to the audience of Edwards (John’s) wife. Hey, where’s Papa Clinton btw? Not in the house tonight?

All right. It’s time to pick a candidate already. Charlie just pointed out a loophole in the last lobby reform bill that allows a congressman to be bought a dinner if he stands up to eat it. Really? Is that true? And how did Charlie Gibson find that out? Policy wog and a half our Charlie Gibson! Anyway, we've truly devolved into the minutia if that's really what we're going to spend the next 5 minutes on.

Hillary just asked for a “Reality check.” About an hour late Hill. Then she called Obama a lobbyist.

10:49:22 PM
Man, I really don’t like Charlie Gibson’s vice presidential candidate the bald guy. He’s just kind of a jerk. He works in radio. Go figure.

Charlie’s tired. He just made cynical comments about how “Washington is set up to resist change.” Yeah sure Charlie. It’s exactly the same as it was 200 years ago. You still have my vote Chuck, but let’s keep it upbeat.

Oh, don’t bring cynicism into Obama’s strike zone… Man, he just turned that right around, knocked it out of the park and made us all sing along. He even used the term “cynical” in his response. He’s saying what I’m thinking. That’ll probably hurt him.

Bill’s up. Why is the fat man still talking?

Man, if it winds up McCain vs. Edwards, who will the lobbyists back? That would be a win-win for America. It will of course never be allowed to happen.

10:58:58 PM
I’m flagging now. I’ll confess I was just zoning out and watching SportsCenter. Looks like that Jags game was pretty awesome, too bad I missed it to watch and blog this. How does that apply to the carbon tax, (which is the thing that’s never going to happen that the candidates are talking about now)? Well, it’s all about sacrifice. I sacrificed a Saturday night and half of an NFL playoff game to blog this debate, and I think that entitles me to drive an SUV. Anyway, let’s get back to this.

11:02:01 PM
What the heck is the next question? Housing crisis, Energy and jobs? Actually I don’t think there is a question. Man, the topics chosen for these debates don’t make sense to me when I’m awake and alert. How am I supposed to decipher this after watching a mind-numbing 2 and a half hours?

Anyway, Charlie Gibson loses the college professor vote at this college by wildly exaggerating their salaries, proving that perhaps he’s not quite so in touch with the American people as we might think. Big boos, then laughs.

11:03:29PM
Finally a real issue with real math is asked that real candidates can talk about. They now get two minutes to explain and fix income disparity in America.

Edwards mentions college kids, and they cut away to the most bored looking sophomores I’ve ever seen. Wake up people! You owe 9 trillion freakin’ dollars, not to mention your student loans. Did I mention that we’re doomed?

SportsCenter is talking about College football now, so let me just take this chance to say that the BCS is a joke and I won’t be watching the national championship game.
Oh yeah, debate.

11:11:06 PM
The bald VP candidate guy is going to spread more of his dirt, this time on Richardson. More hypotheticals about IF small business owners HAPPEN to fit the upper bracket AND they lay people off… If if if. It’s a stupid question, and Bill doesn’t answer it.

11:13:28 PM
Last question: Is there anything you’ve said in one of the 642 debates that you wish you hadn’t said? (Anyone who says yes will quickly be labeled a flip-flopper)

Another audience cutaway. Hey! Chelsea in the house! (In other words, Bill C.’s not there.)

Bill R can actually think of something. Apparently he said he admired a judge who was against Roe v. Wade. And you’re polling at 2 percent why Bill?

John apologizes for insulting Hillary’s jacket in a previous debate. Finally a weary nation can move on!

Barak gets the last line of the debate and just tries to remind America in his subtle way that all the Republican candidates are total dipwads.

And we’re out! I made it! Now they’re rehashing everything and I’m sure we’re going to take a stroll through the spin room. If you think I’m sticking around and blogging that, you’re crazy.

Wow. 12 pages. If you stayed through and read this whole thing, you have even more stamina than me.
Go America!
(PS: We’re doomed.)

Next week, I'll upload a nice non-political song. Promise.
--winlar

Christmas Eve

2007-12-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

Just had the notion that, in the spirit of the season, I'd share a little poem I wrote for my family a while ago. Enjoy, and may you have peace in the coming New Year.

Christmas Eve’s a moment which transcends both time and space
When everything you love in this whole world is in one place
A timelessness, which reaches the whole world with joy and truth
On Christmas Eve your whole entire world’s under one roof

The magic of the holiday is strongest on this night
The longest darkness of the year concealing reindeer flight
When everything in this life that you in your heart do keep
Is all so very near you, safe and warm and fast asleep

Peace on Earth is possible, we all know and believe
We see it happen every year, in the dark of Christmas Eve

There is a moment when the season always turns sublime
When shopping and the preparations have run out of time
And the world in darkness sighs a wonderful relief
And we switch the lights all off and try to sleep on Christmas Eve

The bikes are put together
All the toys have batteries
The lights are strung and functioning
Upon the Christmas trees
The children are conked out
And in the house there’s not a stir
The whirlwind of the last month
Now a gentle quiet blur
And a touch of relaxation can be finally achieved
Drinking milk and eating cookies, late at night on Christmas Eve

Finally Santa’s been and gone back home upon his sleigh
And the troubles of the season for one moment seem at bay
Everyone is sleeping, Mom and Dad, aunts, uncles, child
And you can catch a few hours sleep before it goes hog wild
And with all home and safe you wish no one would ever leave
Such is the magic of the night you get on Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas to all,
--winlar

Perhaps Seattle will land the Knicks!

2007-12-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

With all the talk of the Sonics potentially leaving town, I found this interesting article about the Knicks being unexpectantly sold. Thought that I'd post it.
--w

New York Knicks sold to Seattle-based ownership group
Group downplays possibility of relocating team, but likely will

The New York Knicks, a fixture in New York, and Madison Square Garden have been sold for an undisclosed sum to Seattle multi-billionaire Jay Stennett. Stennett, an arms dealer and direct email marketer is also CEO of the Basketball Club of Seattle Who Will Bring an NBA Team to Seattle. (BCSWWBNBATS)” Stennett immediately downplayed speculation that the Knicks would be moving.

“The Knicks have a great fan base and a rich tradition here in New York. Move the team from New York to Seattle? That would make about as much sense as moving a Seattle team to, I dunno, some smaller town in the Southwest or something.” Said Stennett.

Where it does make sense that the team would stay in the nation’s largest and most influential market, Seattle is an interesting proposition, since the Key Arena, renovated just 12 years ago, is newer and thus more appealing than the historic, but old Madison Square Garden. “We’re going to need a brand-new facility, funded entirely by tax-payers, but we’re all very optimistic that we can make this work. It’s going to be a lot of work, but I’m very bullish on New York,” Remarked Stennett. Stennett then went on to say that if a workable solution was not fully in place by 3pm next Tuesday he would have no other choice but to “look for other options.”

Stennett who consistently referred to the team as the “Seattle, er, sorry, New York Knicks” raised his fortune selling armor piercing bullets to the military, and had his net worth greatly upgraded by the current political situation in the Middle East. He has spent the last 20 years of his life trying to bring a basketball team to Seattle area, despite the fact that Seattle already has a basketball team, and has for 40 years. In high school he was voted “Most likely to relocate an NBA basketball franchise to Seattle. Next month he is to be inducted into the Seattle hall of fame. “We’re excited to enter the New York market!” Stennett went on. “Have you built me that stadium yet? No? Come on people, time’s a tickin’. I got a plane to catch and a big salmon dinner waiting.”

NBA Commissioner David Stern expressed “nearly genuine sadness” for New York’s loyal fan base, but claimed that the NBA was powerless to block the deal, or any proposed move. He also said he was “disheartened” by New York’s clear lack of support for the 8 and 17 Knicks, exemplified by booing in Madison Square Garden. “The booing, empty seats, and reluctance of politicians to spend half a billion dollars at a time when our nation is at war is a vivid example of how the Big Apple refuses to support professional basketball.” When hundreds of fans sent Stern harsh emails and phone calls in response to these remarks he cited them as “another show of how New Yorkers are hostile to the NBA.” He went on to say that “The relocation of the team is entirely the fault of New Yorkers, who left a nice man like Jay Stennett no choice.” He then rushed off to speak at Stennett’s Seattle Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

Now-former Knicks owner James Dolan said he was “extremely optimistic” about the team’s future in New York. “In my opinion, selling to a Seattle businessman with no ties to the city, and who has utter contempt for its fan base and citizenry is the best chance to keep the team in New York,” claimed Dolan, world-class idiot. “We’re sorry to sell the team, but we lost 42 million dollars last year, and only some of that due to sexual harassment lawsuits! Another 10 or 11 years of those kind of losses, and we no longer would have been able to sell the team for a gigantic profit!” He added, “I do hope they keep Isaiah though. My love for him knows no bounds.”

The future of embattled General Manager Isaiah Thomas remains in doubt. Most likely he’ll be fired, forced to retire or “simply made to disappear,” according to one source close to the group. Thomas expressed his personal confidence that he would stay with the Knicks and likely be promoted.

Knicks fans, who eventually will have absolutely no say on the matter, had mixed emotions on the pending sale and subsequent demand for a new stadium. “I love the Knicks!” said one fan. “This is a sad day! If only we had done a better job of supporting a team that hasn’t made the playoffs in half a decade and hasn’t won a championship since the Nixon administration.”
Others were more critical. “NBA players come from a social class below mine and are now in a class far above mine. I won’t support this kind of rampant social mobility with my tax dollars. Tax money should only go to paying for police, prisons, and developing technologically superior smart bombs,” chimed in someone with no friends.
“The team’s leaving? Bummer. But it’s worth it to get rid of Dolan and Isaiah! Go Giants!” said most people.

Perhaps as a good-will gesture, Stennett hired former Knicks great and fan favorite Walt Frazier as president of basketball operations. He then fired him five minutes later.

Running Diary of the Republican Debate

2007-12-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

OK. Tip of the hat to Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy, who does signature “Running Diaries” of his reactions to sports events. I’m not as good as he is, nor will ever be, but I thought someone should do that for politics, so I’ve tried to. I’ve jotted down my reactions to various events of the evening of Dec. 12th when the Republicans debated somewhere in Iowa, sponsored by the Des Moines Register. (Is there any paper with a duller name than “Register?” That’s right there behind the Ames Glossary and the Iowa City List of Things.)

So anyway, here we go.

I’ve never really had the experience of setting my DVR to record something on CSPAN. Is there anything more geeky than that?

OK, turns out that this will be a re-air of the debate. Yes, the joke is, “Don’t tell me how it turned out!” But that’s really not funny because what does CSPAN start it’s coverage with? The guy calls a journalist on the phone asking, “So what’s the headline for this debate?” Hello? How about a spoiler alert warning? I fast forward through this part.
(On a side note, I’d just like to call this typical example of the media self-aggrandizing and making their coverage of the story more important than the story.)

All right! 6:30 PM and they’ve promised to solve all the nation’s problems in 90 minutes, so let’s ride!

6:30pm PST
Thanks Des Moines Register for splurging on the graphics!

6:31pm PST
Carolyn Washburn editor of the Des Moines Register… Let’s just say she has a good face for the newspaper business, and move on…

6:32pm PST
Carolyn informs us that 6 in 10 Iowa Republicans can still be swayed away from their candidate! You know, by another candidate, or shiny object.
Carolyn also informs that there will be no discussion of Iraq or Immigration in this debate. Or any other issues beginning with the letter I.

My daughter Moxie is climbing all over me during the introductions, and I’m so blinded by Giulianni’s cornball smile so I miss them. But let me just say that, not only are all these guys white males, but they’re REALLY white. It’s called the sun people! Get some! All except….
Alan Keyes in the House!! What up dog!! Well, this is gonna be a party after all!

6:33pm PST
Rules Rules rules. Carolyn, you had us at Alan Keyes….

Single biggest issue in Iowa is Finances and national debt.
Rudy agrees with the people in Iowa! Shockeroo! I’m betting McCain starts us off by saying “Oh, you Iowa boneheads. Wrong wrong wrong!”
Rudy says we have to cut corporate taxes to bring down the debt. Isn’t that like quitting your job to pay off your credit cards? Is there anyone who will have the courage to say, “It’s harder to pay off debts when you take in less money?”

Oh, Yes or no questions. Let’s keep track of the number of times yes or no answers are asked for versus how many are given. 1-0 right now.

6:34pm PST
Duncan Hunter blames China and foreigners for our debt. When he loses the election, will he blame illegal immigrants for that too?

Time warning #1`

Ron Paul blames too much govt. Shockeroo.

6:35pm PST
Tancredo is still in the race? Where’s he been? He only shows up when Alan Keyes does. Are they Siamese twins or something?

Fred Thompson reads you the notes on the subject he read earlier this week.

Mitt blarneys it up.

The Huckster says we have to feed and fuel and fight for ourselves. Nice alliteration Mikee!

6:38pm PST
McCain keeps up the scare campaign. We’ll be oil independent.

6:39pm PST
Alan Keyes just said that “National Security is Securing the Blessings of liberty.” Al, we know you’ve read the constitution. Now answer the question!
I had to replay what Keyes said twice. I hope this doesn’t happen every time he talks.
Al says abolish income taxes and we’ll have no debt. Yeah, and if I were homeless, I’d have no worries…

6:40pm PST
The question is, what sacrifices must American people make to pay off the national debt. Over/under line on actual sacrifices offered by these candidates is… zero.

Rudy says Government must sacrifice itself. But that won’t hurt anyone. In fact, the American people will get MORE!!

Paul Ron says it’s unnecessary to sacrifice. I set the over/under too high…

Huck says, no, we’ll just do things differently. Still at zero sacrifice

Next question “Is there a program you’d run a deficit to pay for?” I’m betting… no…
Got to say, much as I love YouTube, the questions are way better when a newspaper is doing the moderating. The moderator doesn’t jump in ad nauseum like the CNN or FOX talking heads to get her airtime, and there’s a bare bones attitude that really moves this thing along. Say it once, I’ll say it a million times, people who read are smart. People who watch TV are me.

Mitt says, well, a lot of stuff. Basically no. He’d cut everything. Says we need to run the country like a business. Oh. Start by laying off a lot of citizens…

My 2 year old son just came in past his bed time. Hard not to watch him since he’s both more entertaining, and would make a better president than anyone on my TV right now…

The Tank (Tancredo) says, no. Follow the Constitution and there’s no problem. You know, I couldn’t tell him apart from Duncan Hunter if I saw them both in a police line-up. Judging by the polls, the American people can’t seem to tell him apart from “Margin of Error.”

Fred says Military, infrastructure. And “Takes a big risk and tells the truth to the American people.” The risk? He’s probably lying…

Next question for everyone, and a good one that they won’t answer. “Who in this country is paying more than their fair share in taxes?” I’m guessing the smart answer you’ll hear is “Republicans.” The answers allowed are upper, middle or lower class.

Al- Essay answer to a multiple choice question. Time warning given.

McCain- Essay. Doesn’t know.

Huckster- 80% of people. Kudos that you didn’t give an essay answer. Too bad your answer wasn’t one of the choices.

Mitt- Middle Class! Actually one of the choices! Mitt here done been to college!

Fred Frankenberry- Takes a cheap shot at Mitt, saying he don’t pay no taxes, chuckle chuckle. Mitt jokes back something just to break Fred’s concentration, which works. Fred jokes that Mitt’s getting to be a better actor, Chuckle chuckle. Rare moment of honesty in there. I seriously doubt that anyone on this stage pays any taxes at all.

Fred also says that 40% of all Americans pay no taxes at all. That is such an outrageous lie that I don’t know where to begin…

Duncan or Tom, oh Tom… selects. I dunno.

Ron Paul says middle class suffers most and that’s EVIL!

Duncan says it’s that other class, the IRS

Rudy shows that they’ve all forgotten the question, but says E, all of the above. My “Republicans” answer was better. These guys should hire me! (Under the table of course… Got a little tax problem…)

And now, each candidate gets 30 free seconds! I hate this! The YouTube debates did the same thing. This isn’t ad time! Put your little canned statement on the Internet like anyone else! If any candidate yields this time, or uses it for “A quick shout out to my homies,” he’s immediately got my vote…

McCain reminds us he’s a vet, has experience, and isn’t very popular.

Duncan Hunter- “Dee-hunt” is also a veteran, and so is his son. Oh, by the way, he’s also a Mexican hating bigot.

Carolyn Washburn looks bored already.

The question is how to keep foreign markets open while blah blah, making sure we’re still richer than God.

Ron Paul gets angry

Mitt understands. Mentions education for the first time tonight.

Huckster blames taxes and regulations hurting industry. Yes… if only we were more like China…

Next question: Should we trade with… what again? Oh. Human rights. Should we give a rat about human rights while making money?

McCain. Sure we should, but no we won’t. Free Trade all the way.

Next question, and now I guess we’re at the annoying point where only one guy answers a question that everyone maybe should, so some guys completely don’t have to answer and some get trapped and there’s no rhyme or reason to the whole thing. Anyway we get to hear what Rudy thinks about NAFTA

6:57pm PST
Rudy doubted it, but now he loves it! Here’s what bugs me most about Rudy. Why does nobody ever mention that he SUCKED when he guest hosted SNL? SUCKED! He gets a free pass for that just for being mayor on 9-11. Sorry pal. Not with me. Worst… Host … EVER!!!

Fred gives a nearly unintelligible answer about NAFTA. “It’s a long complex document” says he in a long convoluted response. Jeezes, this guy is a lightweight.

Tancredo gives Duncan Hunter’s answer. Or is that… Man, this is confusing

Now DeeHunt jumps in and extends my confusion. It’s like giving one guy an extra thirty seconds. Freaky. But together, the two of them can hate twice as many foreigners.

7:00pm PST
Free statement time now for Paul and Frankenberry.

Paul- Liberty is good

Fred’ “What was the question again?”
By the way, did anyone see how he mailed in his performance in “Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World?” He had like 5 lines and he still didn’t seem to bother to memorize them. Not Albert Brooks best movie btw, and I’m a fan. However, it’s worth it just for Al’s fake improv schtick. Such a funny bit…

7:01pm
Show of hands time!!
Who believes in Climate change? Wait…
Fred won’t do the hand show! Apparantly there aren’t stage directions in the script. This is a more confrontational moment than when someone says “build a fence along Mexico.” Some idiot in the audience applauds Fred for his courageous stance on this issue.

A few hands go up and everyone talks at once. Well it really isn’t fair. To understand the concept of raising your hand requires at least a kindergarten education…

Rudy and McCain (The Science Posse) say GW is a problem. (GW here refers to Global Warming. The other GW won’t be mentioned much tonight…)

Mitt looks really presidential by begging “Hey give us all a chance to talk… please? My turn! My turn!”
He gets his presidential stature and republican street-cred back in one fell swoop however by blaming foreigners for global warming in his answer.

Alan Keyes uses the global warming question to go on the greatest tangent I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t mention anything about climate, global warming, anything. He talks so crazily that even Fred Thompson is able to zing him by saying “Well there’s Alan Keyes position on global warming…”

By the way, if Bill Clinton is a bit oily, then Mitt Romney is eight gallons of salad dressing.

Huckster jokes “Global Warming? It’s cold outside here in Iowa! Crickets are heard in the auditorium. Oh, and by the way, our govt is responsible for global warming.

7:08pm PST
Duncan Tancredo says something.
Tom Hunter chimes in. Having these two clones chime in back to back on everything really does a disservice to your readers Des Moines Register…

btw Des Moines “Shout out to my homies!” Now there’s a name for a paper!

7:09pm PST
Free time for tacredohuckalopolis.

Tom- Immigrants suck. Shockeroo!
Huck- Founding fathers rool. I wanna be prez, because I like it when ordinary shmoes boss me around. Oh, and I used to be poor.

7:10pm PST
New Topic! Education! (Moderator notes that Iowans say it hasn’t been talked about enough. Iowans know about education? OK, that was a cheap shot…)
We suck at science. What gives?

McCain- More choice and more competition. Charter Schools may fail, but at least then we can blame the students for making bad CHOICES!

Rudy- “Parents should choose the school their child goes to. Colleges are good, because they’re expensive! Get it?”

Duncan Hunter- “Jaime Escalante is a guy I saw in a movie once. If we let people who are uncredentialed teach in our classrooms, some of them might be like him…”

New question: Does the fed gov need to set standards? (For education I’m guessing)

Mitt asks what the rules are. 30 seconds? 60? Real presidential Mitt.

Huckster: the federal govt. can personalize the curriculum for these kids. Um… Wha?
“Unleash weapons of mass Instruction!” He said that. After hearing him say that, many high-schoolers recognized that education is not that important.

The Keyes-ster interrupts to point out, perhaps rightly so, that he hasn’t been asked a question since his diatribe about anything but global warming. The moderator then gives him 30 seconds where everyone else was getting a minute.
This, my friends, is the Republican party in a nutshell. “Katrina? You want us to respond to Katrina? We can ignore a black man who is on stage next to us in a presidential debate! You think we’re gonna respond to some for a lousy hurricane?”
On the other hand, Keyes platform of “Vote for me because nobody wants to give me the time of day” has never been much of a proven winner…

Keyes then goes on for over a minute blaming our education crisis on judges taking God out of the classroom and the fact that kids don’t know “our national creed.” He is impassioned about this. Cricket chirping ensues. The moderator then goes right back to asking Ron Paul the question he’d interrupted, as if Keyes were Mr. Cellophane. Very surreal.

Ron Paul: The problem with education is probably the federal government.

Man, if it weren’t for foreigners, and our government, we’d be in the Garden of Eden right now.

Fred “What was the question again?”
He then blames the NEA. Lousy teachers. Which makes me realize that I left Unions off my list of Republican scape goats.

Tancrunter: “Get rid of the dept. of education.” Yeah that will improve… education.... He says that they cut 80% of the people in the dept, and nobody noticed. Really? The people who got fired didn’t notice? You did make sure they weren’t still showing up for work right? What an ass. Whichever one he is. He then takes a cheap shot at Huckster for wanting art and science taught in school. Dick.

(Yes, I realize that purposely mispronouncing the names of the candidates in this debate is immature much like the way FOX news commentators purposely mispronounce “Achmadinijad”
I apologize for this, and from here on in promise to only refer to Tom Tancredo as “Achmadinijad”)

7:23pm PST
New Question. “What can you accomplish in your first year?”

Rudy: Secure against Islamic terrorism! Are you here tonight Rud, or is that one of those cardboard cutouts with a little voice recorder in it?

Drunken Hunger. Make the military bigger, and get that border fence up!

Ron Paul: End the war. Amen Ron. Too bad you’re batshit insane. (Even a clock that’s broken is right how often?)

Achmininididijad: “Free somebody nobody’s ever heard of. Secure our borders. Kill Islamic people.”

Frankenberry: “Tell people the truth.” (Yeah, that’ll take a year.) Man, this guy knows absolutely nothing.

Mitt: Reign in entitlements and Muslims. Bunch of other stuff he won’t get done.

Huckster: Bring the Country back together. (I assume this involves annexing British Columbia and building a bridge to Hawaii.) But he does finally play his “Hey I’m the only one up here who isn’t a hate-filled bastard card.” Of course he doesn’t believe in evolution…

McCain: Make America safe. BTW, you aren’t safe. Did you know that?
Oh, and restore trust and confidence in your govt. again. Hey, isn’t that what the guy who beat you the last time you ran said HE was going to do?

Big Al. Hey guys! What debate have you been to tonight? I went to one! I think I won! Now I’m going to talk about killing things in the womb and a bunch of crazy nonsense! I’m Alan Keyes ladies and gentlemen! What the hell am I even doing here?

7:30pm PST
Lastly final words. (In other words, we’re Iowa, you need to kiss our asses just one… more… time…)

Mitt: Thanks Iowa! Gosh you people are so nice!

Keyes: Iowa, you suck. You aren’t gonna vote for me. Everything wrong with America is your fault. You’re all going straight to hell! Oh, and Vote for Me!
(A side note. Caucuses are awkward social gatherings, where nobody knows anyone and then has to argue politics with them. They really are difficult, so here’s an ice-breaker Iowans. Go in, and when they ask you who you’re backing, say “Alan Keyes” with as straight a face as possible. Then wait for the awkward moment of silence, then for everyone to bust out laughing. In this way he brings us all together.)

Rudy: (OK, I didn’t want to make the joke in this blog that Rudy only talks about 9-11 and does so ad nauseum, and for the most part I haven’t. I don’t like to go on such overdone comic territory, but with Rudy’s last words he just has to remind us…. I WAS MAYOR ON 9-11!!! Jack-ass. Did I mention that he sucked on SNL?

7:34pm PST
Wait, now we go to some video thing? This debate confuses me. Shouldn’t the last words be the last words? This is surreal and stupid.

Wait, now there’s more? Oh! I had to rewind and figure out what was going on. She didn’t say last words, she said “Last candidate statements.” I guess that refers to the free ad time the candidates get. (See I told you this was a bad idea.) I guess I just wanted it to be over. Wishful thinking on my part….

And last but least, stuff about character:

Rudy: I am not a crook. My awkward laugh should prove that I’m not on the take from mobsters in Dubai…

Keyes: “Be authentic about who you are.” Yes. If you’re crazy, let everyone know.
Oh, and he brings up abortion because even republicans in Iowa don’t seem to care much about it any more. Keyes is the first person to question another candidate about it. I find that interesting.

Mitt: Keyes just said something about me, and I don’t care.
Mitt finally invokes the name of both Reagan and GW Bush. Only took an hour and a half.

It’s here that my DVR quits. They went over. Shockeroo. Fortunetely, I had the wherewithal to record the post-debate wrap up.

Freddy Thompson: Should we nuke Iran? Do you believe the intel that you’ll get as president? Freddy blames bureaucrats. I’m tired.

More video now. I’m not gonna comment on them. They’re monumentally stupid.

At this point I’m officially fast forwarding through to see exactly how long this goes on. Ah Jeezes. 12 more minutes. I’m gonna go dream about this a little and come back to this tomorrow… Man, do I not want to dream about Mitt Romney. Let’s hope my sleep is Tancredo-lishus!

OK. I’m awake and have recovered enough energy to watch the rest of the debate. I looked for any coverage that might bother to point out that Fred Thompson was talking out of his butt when he said that 40% of Americans pay no taxes, and instead found USA Today reporting that he won the debate! Way to go McPaper! A big hand for our free and watchful media everybody!

OK. I’m back now for the final twelve minutes. Thank God for DVR’s. I never would have made it in one sitting…

Huckster gets asked about his faith and how it changes his policies. He sounds like a hybrid breeding project between Jesus and Thomas Jefferson as he avoids the question.

Mitt is asked whether it’s more important to be fiscally or socially conservative and answers with a question that only he laughs at. Life just seems like an inside joke to him.
He then goes on to defray issues about his religion by saying that his official religion is “Conservatism.” (No, nobody really said that, but somebody should…)

Thunkin’ Dunter is asked the same question and is caught either sleeping or thinking about someone else. He’s so dull except for variations of his name. Hunkin’ Thunder is what I’d go by if I were him…

7:40-something. I’ve stopped caring. All times are unofficial from this point

Last pointless video. Mittster repeats the litany that Judges shouldn’t be allowed to judge. Thompson rails against consumerism and sets off irony alarms everywhere.

Achmadinijihad goes into a clash of civilization diatribe about Iraq. He was asked why his website only says five sentences about Iraq. He is given thirty seconds to explain this. Honest.

7:42
Ron Paul is called a “revolutionary” by the moderator. Look lady, just because someone’s ideas won’t work, doesn’t make them new.

McCain talks about Compromise and how he just looked up what the word meant.

7:44
Biggest laugh of the night comes when Carolyn asks the candidates to give new year’s resolutions to other candidates. We start with Alan Keyes… this should be good.

Alan resolves to keep repeating the same sentence he’s spouted all night.
McCain: “Lets resolve not to accuse each other of a lack of patriotism.” Why are new year’s resolutions so hard to keep?
Huckster: Responds to the wrong question. Covers with a “Joke-toid” A word I just made up for something that really isn’t a joke, but political candidates will laugh at nonetheless.
Mitttster resolves to slander democrats.
Fred also answers the wrong question
Achminidinijihad tries a bit late to ask Huckster a question. “Whoops! I forgot I’m polling at zero percent, and that I should attack the new front-runner. Mulligan!”
He can’t even get the question into his 15-second time frame, let alone the answer. We just move on.

“Just move on” is an accurate theme for the evening. It’s almost like everyone has just agreed that nobody is watching this debate (except poor me!) and let’s just get it over with. It’s amazing how many times rebuttals were just skipped, time was called and uncomfortable silences were just ignored and the next question asked. Even the paper sponsoring the debate really didn’t give any coverage to it the day after. They’d just moved on to the Democrats. So sad.

Ron Paul resolves to read the Constitution.
Thunk Dunk resolves to buy American.
Rudy resolves to not be pessimistic and reminds us about 9-11.

And thank God we’re out! Why in hell did I ever agree to do this! Never again! This is… Oh crap, I promised to do the Democrats tomorrow. Nuts.

Oh, and as for post-show spin CSPAN-2 actually wasn’t bad. They showed some of the FOX post-show spin and pointed out the errors Fox made. Not that it will make a difference.
See you next week with a belated Democrat’s debate diary.

Weird Cartoon "History" of Mormonism

2007-12-12T10:10:00.000-08:00

Well, this must be true, since it's a cartoon...
No, I didn't produce this, nor do I know who did, but it is so high on the unintentional comedy scale, I had to blog it for posterity. Warning, this will likely offend anyone who is Mormon... or... human...
And speaking of Mitt Romney and unintentional comedy, I'm going to be blogging a running diary of tonight's Republican debate! So look for that in the next day or so.

My Daddy Plays the Ukulele

2007-12-07T12:41:00.001-08:00

So here's my entry for the Bushman World Ukulele Video Contest, and I thought I'd share it with you. Wish me luck!
--w

All the Best People in the World

2007-11-21T19:10:00.001-08:00